Leave or Stay...

I originally wrote the below words on 11/4/23 but did not post until today, 12/3/23. In doing so, I realized the sentiments are just as timely and the challenges just as relevant now as they were a month ago.

Last Friday, I woke up feeling a little deflated, a little defeated, a little frustrated, and a little anxious; ready to wave the white flag, pack up, move on, and start over in a new place, with new possibilities and a clean & fresh slate. As soon as those feelings flooded in, I had the realization that this tends to be my 'default' and defense setting/mode/response; thinking new scenery would provide the answers, change, and progress I hope for, and am seeking & wanting.

I've done this with jobs; a few times due to relocations for my ex's job, other times when things got mundane or messy. Many people do this with relationships as well. The 'ole 'grass is greener' syndrome. Often forgotten with this mindset, however, is the fact that the grass is greenest where & when you water & nurture it. There is a lot of effort, unknown, discomfort, investment, and even risk in getting to know a new job, city or person. Sometimes the most rewarding & fruitful decision is to push through the hard times, the sweat, and the tears where you are in order to glean the lesson(s) in and of the process.

Sometimes, however we are in fact called to pack up and move on & into the unknown, like God asked Abram to do; other times we're called to push through & persevere, despite disappointments, betrayal, rejection, & false accusations, like Joseph endured. Whether you're called to a leap of faith or called to stay, whichever path we find ourselves on both require trust in God, knowing He is working all things out for our good, that He has a plan to prosper & not harm us, and He is with us.

Later that morning, I saw a post by Jackie Hill Perry on Instagram where she talked about temptations and idols. She said that temptation is often intensified when God is refining us, and that in those moments & times, we tend to want something to help make us feel comfortable & secure in order to soften the suffering. In those moments, she asked, do we go to our typical idols to help feel safe or do we trust God and lean into what He is trying to teach us and allow Him to be our 'crutch'? She concluded and shared that we are made holy by leaning into and trusting God, in light of what He is revealing about Himself in the suffering.

God did not promise us an easy journey; what He did promise us is that He would never leave or forsake us. I'm building my trust & faith muscles by leaning into Him and letting go of comfort, even if & especially when, I cannot see what is next. Whether you're experiencing a detour or delay, I encourage you to allow yourself to be stretched and believe, even when & if you cannot see around the bend, per se. Know and rest in the fact that God is in control and you will get to your 'fated' destination in His perfect timing, according to His perfect plan. So, breathe, and take in & enjoy the views & lessons along the way.

Rebuilding, Rewiring & Restoring...

Have you ever felt 'renovated' from the inside out?

From mid-June to mid-September this year, I was going through a 'Job-esque' season where God was removing things from my life left and right, and it felt as if I was weathering and walking through one trial and tribulation after another. 

While driving one brisk fall morning, with TobyMac's new song "Faithfully" playing on the radio, I received the revelation that God was doing some renovation work on me. Like a house being 'rehabbed,' God was doing some demolition work and taking me down to the studs, per se, to ensure my foundation was solid (and set on Him).

I also felt that He was rewiring me and my thoughts. He was healing me from past hurts and trauma and replacing the lies I heard and believed for so long with His truths and Word about me. 

The idea for this post came to me the end of September, however as September flowed into October and we blew into November as fast as the leaves have fallen from the trees, I felt myself leaving my 'Job season' behind to enter into a 'Jonah-esque' season. God is and has been redirecting my steps, getting me back on the original path, plan and purpose He has for me. 

God put writing, adoption, and a few other dreams in my heart over the past decade, and like Jonah choosing to go in the opposite direction than he was originally called, I followed a different course as well. I allowed time, or the lack thereof, money, age and a myriad of other excuses deter, distract and delay me. But God...His will and plan will be done and accomplished. (By the way, it is so much better, less painful, and less time-consuming if we're obedient at the onset of receiving His prompting and directive(s)...and think of all the 'whales' we could avoid if we were!) But us...in our stubborn, sinful human nature, we choose our own path many times, either out of fear or thinking we're not worthy or we know better than God. (Insert every mind blown, forehead slap, teeth gritting, laughing emoji there is.)

So, like a house that has been neglected or weathered many storms, our hearts and minds need some TLC and renovating after time. That is when Jesus, the divine Carpenter, steps in and gets to work, rebuilding, remodeling and restoring us back to our original beauty, value and worth as intended and designed by our holy Architect, Jehovah El Ashiyb, the Lord our (my) Restorer.

A Planted Seed...

"For such a time as this..." (Esther 4:14)

So I did a thing... I just launched my 'biz dev' consultancy, N2B Consulting. To some, this may seem as an overnight & impulsive leap. The seed for this venture, however, was actually planted a little over four years ago in August 2019. I paid a consultant to build & write the copy for my website, I purchased my domain, and was ready to flip the switch, per se. Then two months later my personal life took a detour and I had to regroup & redirect my focus during that season. But God. In His infinite wisdom, He planted the seed and then continued to water & nourish the ground, making it fertile for what was to spring forth & sprout years later. Similar to David, Joseph, Moses and Abraham, I received the dream & promise but then went through a pruning process to produce the fruit. I honed & built my professional toolbox & skills, I gleaned invaluable entrepreneurial insight from some amazing 'boss babes' (and guys), but perhaps most importantly, I grew in character as God purified & prepared me for what was to come. And like David, Joseph, Moses and Abraham, I also had some 'wilderness' moments of time, trials & testing. Just as a planted seed has to germinate & needs time to grow, over the past thirty years, I've built a resume of which I'm proud. There have been twists & turns, highs & lows, but sitting where I am now, I see how God was redirecting my steps and closing doors to open new, amazing ones all along. Growth sometimes feels like a never-ending process, but then at other times, it's as if sprouts appear before your very eyes. I've experienced a couple 'warp speed' periods in my life...that's how & when I know it's God. He is after all, the God of 'suddenlys'; He can take you from waiting for something to walking in its fruition almost instantly. When this happens, you've hit the divine moment in time when God's perfect plan, time & will intersect. The moment when the seed's cracking produces the most beautiful blossom.

Like a garden, where a seed is planted in one season but does not bloom until one to two seasons later, the growth of my consultancy was happening 'underground' and now I'm happy to say, it's harvest season.

Breakthrough...

 

A breakthrough requires a break in what was or is. Sometimes, it is just a sliver of hope; other times it can be as wide & vast as the Grand Canyon. Whichever it is, a requisite is the willingness to open & release your grip on a mindset of how you think, perceive, or wished something to be, and in exchange, embrace a new...outlook, way of doing, responding, or thinking. To let go of the known & comfortable, to embrace the unknown & sometimes scary. 

To set sail in a new direction, with fresh eyes & a heart yielded to all the possibilities...

In doing so, growth occurs. Just like a seed that breaks below the surface to allow life to sprout forth. Breakthrough, whether met with euphoric awe & wonder or emphatic apprehension, leads to unchartered waters worth leaving the shore for.

Set sail and enjoy the journey; there will be waves, clouds & storms, per se, but the sunshine will breakthrough and the resulting rainbows will be breathtaking and well worth it. 

Birthday Wishes...

Happy Birthday to Me,

Happy Birthday to Me,

Happy Birthday Dear Nicole...

Happy Birthday to Me!

Growing up, my mom made our birthdays a big deal; a day full of celebration, surprises, and an outpouring of love & festivities. I grew up & continued the tradition. The celebration starts on Cinco de Mayo (May 5th) and lasts, as in years past, for the whole month. My birthday itself usually is a day full of pampering, from opening & reading my bday cards while sipping on my free birthday Starbucks coffee, to a massage, mani/pedi, more freebies; all while being basked in love via texts, calls and 'Insta' & Facebook well wishes and concluding with celebratory dinner & drinks with family &/or friends. (This perspective was usually met with misunderstanding and challenge from an ex who grew up differently and with the concept that birthdays were just another day. <GASP!> I know!! I'm sure you can imagine the friction this caused this excitable, Hallmark card sending, Christmas movie watching enthusiast.) 

While I usually anxiously awaited my special day with the excitement of a child counting down to Christmas morning, this year was different. My birthday 'snuck up' on me. I didn't have a day of scheduled appointments, and 'the troops' weren't rallied for an evening of celebratory spirits. The day before, and even the morning of my 'big day,' I struggled. I struggled between 'the tried & true', per se, and breaking the mold of 'bdays past' to embrace a slower pace of 'chilled' nothingness. No Cinco de Mayo kickoff, no birthday outfit, no plans, no appointments, fewer 'freebies'. Leading up to my big day, I even, for a fleeting moment looked at and thought of my birthday as 'just another day.'

I couldn't put my finger on the uncharacteristically lack luster anticipation of the annual acknowledgment of my earthly debut. Then it dawned on me. Life was still so much different than it used to be. There were birthday wishes and prayers that were still unanswered. It was almost like I was subconsciously in denial that, while another candle was added to the cake (and the more there are, the harder this is, hahaha!), and another trip around the sun had occurred, so much remained the same. My marital status hadn't changed, I still did not have a child to mother & love, no furbaby giving me wet kisses, and I still hadn't seen my dreams & aspirations come to fruition. I was sitting in the reality of Proverbs 13:12 that "hope deferred makes the heart sick, but a longing fulfilled is a tree of life." I was waiting for the fulfillment.

But then, just like the sunshine breaking through the storm clouds, love broke in. I realized my cup was not half full and that it was not only filled but was overflowing with love & blessings. The messages I received throughout the day made my heart sing & burst. I was reminded of some prayers & truths that were spoken over me this past weekend during a Christian fellowship retreat. Despite what the multiple rejections & disappointments of the past few years would indicate, I remembered I am "more precious than pearls" (Proverbs 3:15-18) and that rejection & closed doors are often God's protection & redirection, and that His timing is perfect.

While some wishes & prayers are still pending, I'm saying new ones in my heart & mind this year as I blow out the candles. I'm adding a glass half full, "polish the headlights & break the rearview mirror" outlook to my mindset, resting in the fact that His timing & plans are perfect. And, while there is still breath in my lungs, God is not done with me yet as Psalm 84:11 gently reminds me, "...no good thing will He withhold from those who walk uprightly."

A sweet friend & coworker sent me the following Scripture in his birthday well wishes message to me and it made my day; and I hope it makes yours as well.

"Your beauty should not come from outward adornments, such as braided hair and the wearing of gold jewelry and fine clothes. Instead, it should be that of your inner self, the unfading beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which is of great worth in God's sight." (1 Peter 3:3-4)

Clarity...

I am near-sighted, meaning I can see things up close fine but things far away are blurry. As a result, I wear glasses to help me see better and bring things into focus.

Light also helps bring things into focus, many times providing a different perspective. As a child, how many times did you think you saw a monster as soon as your bedroom light was turned off at bedtime? When the light was turned on, however, you discovered the 'monster' was just a lifeless object or shadow instilling fear. Light casts out darkness & fear.

Like many, I was so hopefully for 2020 and all it would bring. I thought, the year like 20/20 a.k.a. perfect vision, was surely a sign, per se, for the clarity & insight I would receive & experience this year. 

With COVID-19, recent tragic, heartbreaking, senseless and racially inspired deaths & events, and building tensions throughout our nation, things are being brought out of the darkness and into the light. This is the only way & place healing can occur. Conversations are being had and learning is taking place. Coronavirus-induced quarantine was the lens that revealed our busyness and, in some areas and cases, distorted priorities. The video of George Floyd's murder was the lens that exposed racism that the black community has been all too aware of and endured for generations & centuries. 

The blinders are off and a clarity has been brought to an evil darkness that has plagued our nation, communities, schools, businesses, and judicial system for far too long. The lens has changed for many. We have seen a vision that will not be forgotten. The view is clear and things have come into focus. The rose-colored glasses are off. During a recent sermon, Pastor Steven Furtick of Elevation Church said "Just because I don't experience it (racism), that doesn't mean it doesn't exist." 

I remember when I got my first pair of glasses. I told my mom things in the distance were blurry but since she didn't have my perspective, she thought I was just saying that to get glasses because some of my friends had glasses. She didn't have my vantage point so she did not think the problem was real, despite me telling her I could not see the blackboard in school. She relented and took me to the doctor to have my eyesight checked...and felt horrible when I was prescribed glasses and instructed to pick out frames.

In the Bible, as long as Peter kept his eyes on Jesus he was able to walk on water, however the moment he got distracted & looked elsewhere, he began to sink (Matthew 14:28-31). Sight & focus determine your direction. Glasses, light, and videos all bring clarity to blindness & darkness. 

Running Your Race...

"Therefore, since we are surrounded by such a great cloud of witnesses, let us throw off everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles. And let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us..." (Hebrews 12:1 NIV)

Hebrews 12:1 is currently one of the motivating Scriptures that has kept me focused and going these past couple of months, actually past year. I get inspiration for posts during my quiet, devotional time or while running...and this post is no different; it came together tonight during my run in honor of Global Running Day.

We all have a race to run, our own personal mountain to move, challenge to overcome, or calling to fulfill. Running a race has its stages, per se, just like life with its new chapters, new relationships, new jobs, beginnings and ends.

Whenever I run a race, I start out with nervous energy and adrenaline pumping. This is good because it usually distracts my mind from focusing on the challenge ahead of me, and questioning what I did in the first place by signing up. My training only carries me so far, depending on how much and how long I trained so I count on this nervous adrenaline to fuel me for a couple miles. Then I calculate and count on energy gel packs to fuel a few more miles. I then rely on a surge of accomplishment and pride (in a good, healthy dose), coupled with my remaining reserve (or fumes) of energy, to take me across the finish line. 

It is on the race course, however, that perseverance is needed. What I say to myself during the race determines how I will finish. There are times where I've felt like I just cannot go on, run another mile, or complete another obstacle...but then, I see the mile markers and I start doing the math in my head and I realize I am closer to the end than I am to the beginning. Or I hear the motivational cheers of people, complete strangers along the course shouting words of encouragement to runners out of sheer support, which absolutely warms my heart and usually brings tears to the verge of falling & blending in with my sweat. I strategically choose my playlist as yet another distraction for the pain my feet feel, the ache in my back, or the regret for not training more. This is when I realize where I focus is where I go; if I tell myself I do not think I can finish or complete an obstacle, I won't; if I tell myself positive affirmations and remind myself that "I am more than a conqueror" (Romans 8:37 NIV), that "I am fearfully & wonderfully made" (Psalm 139:14 NIV), and I got this, I turn up the music in my ears and I keep going. 

But what do you do when there are no distractions to keep you from being overwhelmed by the task at hand, the challenge before you? When I participated in my first Camp Gladiator Stadium Takeover, I rolled my ankle at the very first obstacle station. I had a choice - stop there or keep going. So, I pushed through the pain; again thankful for adrenaline! During the last Cap10K race I participated in, as I reached the sixth and last mile, I accidentally spilled energy drink into my iPod. The music stopped and I had to run the final mile with only the thoughts and noise in my head.

Sometimes our race is a solo endeavor and sometimes we are called to run along side others in support & solidarity. We don't have to have the same fitness level, same muscle tone or have trained the same to be able to run along side someone and let them know that they & their race are more important to us than our own agenda, and that we'll reach the finish line together, encouraging each other along the way. 

Sometimes, we have more than medals & bibs to remind us of our race. Sometimes there are scars from falls, injuries to muscles, tendons or ligaments that we have to nurse back to health, slowly but surely, and sometimes enduring painful therapy in the process. I am in the best shape of my life but I also have more scars now than I did six years ago when my journey to being physically fit began. The scar on my knee is from when I tripped & fell during a Spartan race. The scar on my right hand is when I fell off a treadmill (don't ask, long story...the stop button didn't work when I needed it to...word of advice, don't run until you're about to fall to hit the stop button). 

In this race called life, not all our scars are visible from the outside. My divorce last year left a scar on my heart that has taken time & 'therapy' to heal. The body is an amazing thing and many times the injured body part ends up being stronger than ever, sometimes even more than before the injury was incurred. Yes, running your race builds endurance, stamina and perseverance. Sometimes you've trained and you're ready for the 'big day' and sometimes life happens and you just didn't train or prepare as you hoped or planned. But you show up, you push through, and you run your race in a way only you can, persevering through the pain & discomfort. You overcome and when you do, when you cross the finish line, you may have some scrapes & bruises but you also walk away with an accomplishment no one can ever take away from you. As I type that, I think back to my Spartan Beast obstacle race and 2015 when I completed a Spartan Trifecta. After all the races, I looked like someone beat the crap out of me with a baseball bat and it took a couple Aleve tablets and a long Epsom salt bath to make me feel human again but I would not trade the pain for anything in the world. I know what I am capable of, and am grateful beyond measure for what my body can do and endure, and I am a stronger person because of the experience. 

So, go run your race. You'll survive the trips & falls, the aches & pains, and when you cross the finish line, you won't remember the struggle as much as you will the satisfaction of what you just accomplished. You got this and I am cheering you on!!!