Leave or Stay...

I originally wrote the below words on 11/4/23 but did not post until today, 12/3/23. In doing so, I realized the sentiments are just as timely and the challenges just as relevant now as they were a month ago.

Last Friday, I woke up feeling a little deflated, a little defeated, a little frustrated, and a little anxious; ready to wave the white flag, pack up, move on, and start over in a new place, with new possibilities and a clean & fresh slate. As soon as those feelings flooded in, I had the realization that this tends to be my 'default' and defense setting/mode/response; thinking new scenery would provide the answers, change, and progress I hope for, and am seeking & wanting.

I've done this with jobs; a few times due to relocations for my ex's job, other times when things got mundane or messy. Many people do this with relationships as well. The 'ole 'grass is greener' syndrome. Often forgotten with this mindset, however, is the fact that the grass is greenest where & when you water & nurture it. There is a lot of effort, unknown, discomfort, investment, and even risk in getting to know a new job, city or person. Sometimes the most rewarding & fruitful decision is to push through the hard times, the sweat, and the tears where you are in order to glean the lesson(s) in and of the process.

Sometimes, however we are in fact called to pack up and move on & into the unknown, like God asked Abram to do; other times we're called to push through & persevere, despite disappointments, betrayal, rejection, & false accusations, like Joseph endured. Whether you're called to a leap of faith or called to stay, whichever path we find ourselves on both require trust in God, knowing He is working all things out for our good, that He has a plan to prosper & not harm us, and He is with us.

Later that morning, I saw a post by Jackie Hill Perry on Instagram where she talked about temptations and idols. She said that temptation is often intensified when God is refining us, and that in those moments & times, we tend to want something to help make us feel comfortable & secure in order to soften the suffering. In those moments, she asked, do we go to our typical idols to help feel safe or do we trust God and lean into what He is trying to teach us and allow Him to be our 'crutch'? She concluded and shared that we are made holy by leaning into and trusting God, in light of what He is revealing about Himself in the suffering.

God did not promise us an easy journey; what He did promise us is that He would never leave or forsake us. I'm building my trust & faith muscles by leaning into Him and letting go of comfort, even if & especially when, I cannot see what is next. Whether you're experiencing a detour or delay, I encourage you to allow yourself to be stretched and believe, even when & if you cannot see around the bend, per se. Know and rest in the fact that God is in control and you will get to your 'fated' destination in His perfect timing, according to His perfect plan. So, breathe, and take in & enjoy the views & lessons along the way.

Rebuilding, Rewiring & Restoring...

Have you ever felt 'renovated' from the inside out?

From mid-June to mid-September this year, I was going through a 'Job-esque' season where God was removing things from my life left and right, and it felt as if I was weathering and walking through one trial and tribulation after another. 

While driving one brisk fall morning, with TobyMac's new song "Faithfully" playing on the radio, I received the revelation that God was doing some renovation work on me. Like a house being 'rehabbed,' God was doing some demolition work and taking me down to the studs, per se, to ensure my foundation was solid (and set on Him).

I also felt that He was rewiring me and my thoughts. He was healing me from past hurts and trauma and replacing the lies I heard and believed for so long with His truths and Word about me. 

The idea for this post came to me the end of September, however as September flowed into October and we blew into November as fast as the leaves have fallen from the trees, I felt myself leaving my 'Job season' behind to enter into a 'Jonah-esque' season. God is and has been redirecting my steps, getting me back on the original path, plan and purpose He has for me. 

God put writing, adoption, and a few other dreams in my heart over the past decade, and like Jonah choosing to go in the opposite direction than he was originally called, I followed a different course as well. I allowed time, or the lack thereof, money, age and a myriad of other excuses deter, distract and delay me. But God...His will and plan will be done and accomplished. (By the way, it is so much better, less painful, and less time-consuming if we're obedient at the onset of receiving His prompting and directive(s)...and think of all the 'whales' we could avoid if we were!) But us...in our stubborn, sinful human nature, we choose our own path many times, either out of fear or thinking we're not worthy or we know better than God. (Insert every mind blown, forehead slap, teeth gritting, laughing emoji there is.)

So, like a house that has been neglected or weathered many storms, our hearts and minds need some TLC and renovating after time. That is when Jesus, the divine Carpenter, steps in and gets to work, rebuilding, remodeling and restoring us back to our original beauty, value and worth as intended and designed by our holy Architect, Jehovah El Ashiyb, the Lord our (my) Restorer.

A Planted Seed...

"For such a time as this..." (Esther 4:14)

So I did a thing... I just launched my 'biz dev' consultancy, N2B Consulting. To some, this may seem as an overnight & impulsive leap. The seed for this venture, however, was actually planted a little over four years ago in August 2019. I paid a consultant to build & write the copy for my website, I purchased my domain, and was ready to flip the switch, per se. Then two months later my personal life took a detour and I had to regroup & redirect my focus during that season. But God. In His infinite wisdom, He planted the seed and then continued to water & nourish the ground, making it fertile for what was to spring forth & sprout years later. Similar to David, Joseph, Moses and Abraham, I received the dream & promise but then went through a pruning process to produce the fruit. I honed & built my professional toolbox & skills, I gleaned invaluable entrepreneurial insight from some amazing 'boss babes' (and guys), but perhaps most importantly, I grew in character as God purified & prepared me for what was to come. And like David, Joseph, Moses and Abraham, I also had some 'wilderness' moments of time, trials & testing. Just as a planted seed has to germinate & needs time to grow, over the past thirty years, I've built a resume of which I'm proud. There have been twists & turns, highs & lows, but sitting where I am now, I see how God was redirecting my steps and closing doors to open new, amazing ones all along. Growth sometimes feels like a never-ending process, but then at other times, it's as if sprouts appear before your very eyes. I've experienced a couple 'warp speed' periods in my life...that's how & when I know it's God. He is after all, the God of 'suddenlys'; He can take you from waiting for something to walking in its fruition almost instantly. When this happens, you've hit the divine moment in time when God's perfect plan, time & will intersect. The moment when the seed's cracking produces the most beautiful blossom.

Like a garden, where a seed is planted in one season but does not bloom until one to two seasons later, the growth of my consultancy was happening 'underground' and now I'm happy to say, it's harvest season.

Breakthrough...

 

A breakthrough requires a break in what was or is. Sometimes, it is just a sliver of hope; other times it can be as wide & vast as the Grand Canyon. Whichever it is, a requisite is the willingness to open & release your grip on a mindset of how you think, perceive, or wished something to be, and in exchange, embrace a new...outlook, way of doing, responding, or thinking. To let go of the known & comfortable, to embrace the unknown & sometimes scary. 

To set sail in a new direction, with fresh eyes & a heart yielded to all the possibilities...

In doing so, growth occurs. Just like a seed that breaks below the surface to allow life to sprout forth. Breakthrough, whether met with euphoric awe & wonder or emphatic apprehension, leads to unchartered waters worth leaving the shore for.

Set sail and enjoy the journey; there will be waves, clouds & storms, per se, but the sunshine will breakthrough and the resulting rainbows will be breathtaking and well worth it. 

Birthday Wishes...

Happy Birthday to Me,

Happy Birthday to Me,

Happy Birthday Dear Nicole...

Happy Birthday to Me!

Growing up, my mom made our birthdays a big deal; a day full of celebration, surprises, and an outpouring of love & festivities. I grew up & continued the tradition. The celebration starts on Cinco de Mayo (May 5th) and lasts, as in years past, for the whole month. My birthday itself usually is a day full of pampering, from opening & reading my bday cards while sipping on my free birthday Starbucks coffee, to a massage, mani/pedi, more freebies; all while being basked in love via texts, calls and 'Insta' & Facebook well wishes and concluding with celebratory dinner & drinks with family &/or friends. (This perspective was usually met with misunderstanding and challenge from an ex who grew up differently and with the concept that birthdays were just another day. <GASP!> I know!! I'm sure you can imagine the friction this caused this excitable, Hallmark card sending, Christmas movie watching enthusiast.) 

While I usually anxiously awaited my special day with the excitement of a child counting down to Christmas morning, this year was different. My birthday 'snuck up' on me. I didn't have a day of scheduled appointments, and 'the troops' weren't rallied for an evening of celebratory spirits. The day before, and even the morning of my 'big day,' I struggled. I struggled between 'the tried & true', per se, and breaking the mold of 'bdays past' to embrace a slower pace of 'chilled' nothingness. No Cinco de Mayo kickoff, no birthday outfit, no plans, no appointments, fewer 'freebies'. Leading up to my big day, I even, for a fleeting moment looked at and thought of my birthday as 'just another day.'

I couldn't put my finger on the uncharacteristically lack luster anticipation of the annual acknowledgment of my earthly debut. Then it dawned on me. Life was still so much different than it used to be. There were birthday wishes and prayers that were still unanswered. It was almost like I was subconsciously in denial that, while another candle was added to the cake (and the more there are, the harder this is, hahaha!), and another trip around the sun had occurred, so much remained the same. My marital status hadn't changed, I still did not have a child to mother & love, no furbaby giving me wet kisses, and I still hadn't seen my dreams & aspirations come to fruition. I was sitting in the reality of Proverbs 13:12 that "hope deferred makes the heart sick, but a longing fulfilled is a tree of life." I was waiting for the fulfillment.

But then, just like the sunshine breaking through the storm clouds, love broke in. I realized my cup was not half full and that it was not only filled but was overflowing with love & blessings. The messages I received throughout the day made my heart sing & burst. I was reminded of some prayers & truths that were spoken over me this past weekend during a Christian fellowship retreat. Despite what the multiple rejections & disappointments of the past few years would indicate, I remembered I am "more precious than pearls" (Proverbs 3:15-18) and that rejection & closed doors are often God's protection & redirection, and that His timing is perfect.

While some wishes & prayers are still pending, I'm saying new ones in my heart & mind this year as I blow out the candles. I'm adding a glass half full, "polish the headlights & break the rearview mirror" outlook to my mindset, resting in the fact that His timing & plans are perfect. And, while there is still breath in my lungs, God is not done with me yet as Psalm 84:11 gently reminds me, "...no good thing will He withhold from those who walk uprightly."

A sweet friend & coworker sent me the following Scripture in his birthday well wishes message to me and it made my day; and I hope it makes yours as well.

"Your beauty should not come from outward adornments, such as braided hair and the wearing of gold jewelry and fine clothes. Instead, it should be that of your inner self, the unfading beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which is of great worth in God's sight." (1 Peter 3:3-4)

Clarity...

I am near-sighted, meaning I can see things up close fine but things far away are blurry. As a result, I wear glasses to help me see better and bring things into focus.

Light also helps bring things into focus, many times providing a different perspective. As a child, how many times did you think you saw a monster as soon as your bedroom light was turned off at bedtime? When the light was turned on, however, you discovered the 'monster' was just a lifeless object or shadow instilling fear. Light casts out darkness & fear.

Like many, I was so hopefully for 2020 and all it would bring. I thought, the year like 20/20 a.k.a. perfect vision, was surely a sign, per se, for the clarity & insight I would receive & experience this year. 

With COVID-19, recent tragic, heartbreaking, senseless and racially inspired deaths & events, and building tensions throughout our nation, things are being brought out of the darkness and into the light. This is the only way & place healing can occur. Conversations are being had and learning is taking place. Coronavirus-induced quarantine was the lens that revealed our busyness and, in some areas and cases, distorted priorities. The video of George Floyd's murder was the lens that exposed racism that the black community has been all too aware of and endured for generations & centuries. 

The blinders are off and a clarity has been brought to an evil darkness that has plagued our nation, communities, schools, businesses, and judicial system for far too long. The lens has changed for many. We have seen a vision that will not be forgotten. The view is clear and things have come into focus. The rose-colored glasses are off. During a recent sermon, Pastor Steven Furtick of Elevation Church said "Just because I don't experience it (racism), that doesn't mean it doesn't exist." 

I remember when I got my first pair of glasses. I told my mom things in the distance were blurry but since she didn't have my perspective, she thought I was just saying that to get glasses because some of my friends had glasses. She didn't have my vantage point so she did not think the problem was real, despite me telling her I could not see the blackboard in school. She relented and took me to the doctor to have my eyesight checked...and felt horrible when I was prescribed glasses and instructed to pick out frames.

In the Bible, as long as Peter kept his eyes on Jesus he was able to walk on water, however the moment he got distracted & looked elsewhere, he began to sink (Matthew 14:28-31). Sight & focus determine your direction. Glasses, light, and videos all bring clarity to blindness & darkness. 

Running Your Race...

"Therefore, since we are surrounded by such a great cloud of witnesses, let us throw off everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles. And let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us..." (Hebrews 12:1 NIV)

Hebrews 12:1 is currently one of the motivating Scriptures that has kept me focused and going these past couple of months, actually past year. I get inspiration for posts during my quiet, devotional time or while running...and this post is no different; it came together tonight during my run in honor of Global Running Day.

We all have a race to run, our own personal mountain to move, challenge to overcome, or calling to fulfill. Running a race has its stages, per se, just like life with its new chapters, new relationships, new jobs, beginnings and ends.

Whenever I run a race, I start out with nervous energy and adrenaline pumping. This is good because it usually distracts my mind from focusing on the challenge ahead of me, and questioning what I did in the first place by signing up. My training only carries me so far, depending on how much and how long I trained so I count on this nervous adrenaline to fuel me for a couple miles. Then I calculate and count on energy gel packs to fuel a few more miles. I then rely on a surge of accomplishment and pride (in a good, healthy dose), coupled with my remaining reserve (or fumes) of energy, to take me across the finish line. 

It is on the race course, however, that perseverance is needed. What I say to myself during the race determines how I will finish. There are times where I've felt like I just cannot go on, run another mile, or complete another obstacle...but then, I see the mile markers and I start doing the math in my head and I realize I am closer to the end than I am to the beginning. Or I hear the motivational cheers of people, complete strangers along the course shouting words of encouragement to runners out of sheer support, which absolutely warms my heart and usually brings tears to the verge of falling & blending in with my sweat. I strategically choose my playlist as yet another distraction for the pain my feet feel, the ache in my back, or the regret for not training more. This is when I realize where I focus is where I go; if I tell myself I do not think I can finish or complete an obstacle, I won't; if I tell myself positive affirmations and remind myself that "I am more than a conqueror" (Romans 8:37 NIV), that "I am fearfully & wonderfully made" (Psalm 139:14 NIV), and I got this, I turn up the music in my ears and I keep going. 

But what do you do when there are no distractions to keep you from being overwhelmed by the task at hand, the challenge before you? When I participated in my first Camp Gladiator Stadium Takeover, I rolled my ankle at the very first obstacle station. I had a choice - stop there or keep going. So, I pushed through the pain; again thankful for adrenaline! During the last Cap10K race I participated in, as I reached the sixth and last mile, I accidentally spilled energy drink into my iPod. The music stopped and I had to run the final mile with only the thoughts and noise in my head.

Sometimes our race is a solo endeavor and sometimes we are called to run along side others in support & solidarity. We don't have to have the same fitness level, same muscle tone or have trained the same to be able to run along side someone and let them know that they & their race are more important to us than our own agenda, and that we'll reach the finish line together, encouraging each other along the way. 

Sometimes, we have more than medals & bibs to remind us of our race. Sometimes there are scars from falls, injuries to muscles, tendons or ligaments that we have to nurse back to health, slowly but surely, and sometimes enduring painful therapy in the process. I am in the best shape of my life but I also have more scars now than I did six years ago when my journey to being physically fit began. The scar on my knee is from when I tripped & fell during a Spartan race. The scar on my right hand is when I fell off a treadmill (don't ask, long story...the stop button didn't work when I needed it to...word of advice, don't run until you're about to fall to hit the stop button). 

In this race called life, not all our scars are visible from the outside. My divorce last year left a scar on my heart that has taken time & 'therapy' to heal. The body is an amazing thing and many times the injured body part ends up being stronger than ever, sometimes even more than before the injury was incurred. Yes, running your race builds endurance, stamina and perseverance. Sometimes you've trained and you're ready for the 'big day' and sometimes life happens and you just didn't train or prepare as you hoped or planned. But you show up, you push through, and you run your race in a way only you can, persevering through the pain & discomfort. You overcome and when you do, when you cross the finish line, you may have some scrapes & bruises but you also walk away with an accomplishment no one can ever take away from you. As I type that, I think back to my Spartan Beast obstacle race and 2015 when I completed a Spartan Trifecta. After all the races, I looked like someone beat the crap out of me with a baseball bat and it took a couple Aleve tablets and a long Epsom salt bath to make me feel human again but I would not trade the pain for anything in the world. I know what I am capable of, and am grateful beyond measure for what my body can do and endure, and I am a stronger person because of the experience. 

So, go run your race. You'll survive the trips & falls, the aches & pains, and when you cross the finish line, you won't remember the struggle as much as you will the satisfaction of what you just accomplished. You got this and I am cheering you on!!!   

Life's Inevitable...

"Hello, my name is Nicole and I want to be vulnerable & sincere; to live life to the fullest while I am here; to be in the moment & intentional while being authentic, raw & real."

I wrote those words in my journal this morning after a rich devotional & quiet time with the Lord, and after processing a short video I had just watched. In the video, the curator said we are not special, we are unique in that we will all go through pain because that is life; it is just a matter of when, not if, and in what form (i.e. death, disease, divorce, dealing with a loved one's addiction, etc.). How we deal and respond to that pain, however, varies from person to person and is determined by our unique makeup & wiring.

"Dance like nobody's watching; love like you've never been hurt. Sing like nobody's listening; live like it's heaven on earth." I want to walk out Mark Twain's directive because his wise words feel 'safe' & courageous; like a shield against all the negative life throws at us. Unfortunately, this 'utopic' perspective is not conducive to growth. For it is in and through pain & loss that we gain the ability to recognize and experience pleasure & love. Both sides of the coin are inevitable in life and it takes both for true growth & evolution to occur.

When I was learning to snow ski, I remember hearing "If you're not falling down, you're not learning to ski." How true! The same could be said for life. It is through the bumps & bruises, aches & pains, sweat & tears, struggle & effort that an athlete develops strength & muscle memory, children are born, butterflies emerge from the cocoon, and a seedling sprouts up through the dirt to bloom. 

Nature's truest example of beauty out of the muck is the lotus flower. After blooming from muddy & cloudy water, the flower emerges beautifully pristine. It is often what we learn in the process of walking out the pain & darkness of life that brings the beauty & light. 

Knowing life & death are inevitable, rather than burying our head in the sand or running for the hills in avoidance, imagine if we instead embraced acceptance of that which we cannot control or change? What if we asked ourselves what could be learned during the process, in the meantime, and in the midst? In typing those words, the Serenity Prayer comes to mind..."Lord, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and wisdom to know the difference." Think how the learning curve could be shortened and 're-do's' skipped because, as I have learned and experienced, we continue to get 'the lesson' until we pass 'the test.'

We never 'arrive' in & on this journey called life. There is evolution in intentionally showing up, being present and embracing, per se, the unexpected & the often-desired avoidable. Sorrow & loss are as much a part of life's mosaic as are joy & gain. Growth never - if rarely - happens in the status quo. It is when we can release our grip of resistance & control that resilience & compassion emerge. 

I received a beautiful, colorful birthday bouquet of flowers today from a dear, lifelong friend. This sweet surprise brought an unexpected burst of joy to my heart and smile to my face. I know in a couple days the flowers will die. That is a fact I cannot avoid, deny or change, however, what will remain is the memory of her kind & thoughtful gesture, and the joy I received while the blooms were alive & fragrant. Polar opposites yet one does not exist without the other. So, lean into the pain and embrace the unknown, the unfolded and the unwritten of what is unseen and is to come. It is here, in this space of grace, grit & uncertainty, of pressing in but not being shaken by the uncomfortable & inevitable ups & downs of this roller coaster ride we call life, that we are truly alive and true transformation takes place.   

 

Masks...

For the past couple of months, masks have been and are being worn as a preventive measure against the spread of the coronavirus. They especially keep healthcare workers, front line workers and those with compromised immune systems as well as the general public safer and the spread of the contagious disease to a minimum.

However, it hit me the other day, long before the world-wide pandemic became an everyday topic, many of us were already wearing figurative masks. 'Masks' to help us feel as if we are enough but in reality provide nothing more than a false sense of confidence & security and are just safety & defensive measures; airs we don to hide our guilt, shame, insecurities, lack, deficiencies, past & failures. Because, we fear, if people saw the 'real' us - flaws, failures & all - they might not like what they see. We deem it best and 'safer' to keep up the impression & appearance that we have it all together...at least while we are in public.

I believe this is the appeal of masquerade balls, when & where we can take on a persona different than our own, real selves. If just for a short time, we have an air of mystery and can be someone other than our true selves.

Superheroes wear masks to hide and keep secret their real identities. Isn't this what we do everyday, trying to be the perfect...parent, spouse, employee, boss, son or daughter, friend, etc. After a while, however, the mask originally worn for 'protection' becomes cumbersome and uncomfortable; heavy with the weight of keeping up the façade, day in and day out. 

What if, however, we take off our mask and take a long, honest look in the mirror and accepted our perceived 'imperfections' as our superpowers rather than faults? By doing so, we allow, encourage & inspire others that it is okay to take off their masks, per se, as well to reveal, show & share their true identity, in all of its natural beauty & grace; flaws, scars & all.

So, be careful which 'mask' you put on & wear in public. The world needs the real you to shine forth & through.

Candles...

How do you reconcile when the candles that are (supposed to be) on your cake do not match the number you feel in your head, your heart, and/or how you feel in your skin?

Age is an odd thing...

In your youth, you have metabolism & wrinkle-free skin on your side. With age come wisdom & wrinkles along with experience & life lessons gained easily and through trials.

Yesterday, I had an AMAZING birthday. I would even say it was in my top four best birthdays of all time. Due to COVID-19, we all have had to adapt, adjust & redefine our 'norm.' I did not lower my expectations for my birthday observance this year, I just changed them...and that flexible pivot allowed my heart to be open & soar, basking in the beautiful unfolding that happened throughout the day. I was showered with an outpouring of love, generosity and celebration. I was engulfed by a sense of contentment, peace & joy that was overwhelming, hard to explain, and frankly took me by surprise; like the heartfelt glee & wonder watching a butterfly fly and then gently land. I was intentional and in the moment with the people I was 'with,' whether it was virtual or socially distant. I felt a chapter close and a new one open, waiting to be discovered & written.

Next year brings with it a candle that signifies a major milestone birthday for me. I am not going to be anxious or fret when that one little candle is added. Throughout the past couple of weeks, my perspective has shifted, per se, and allowed healing, love, hope, peace & joy to take up residence in my heart. It is as if all the seeds that have been planted throughout the years are finally starting to bloom. As a result, I am excited for the upcoming year and believe it will be my best one yet. After all, a candle is just a candle.     

Expectations...

While Cinco de Mayo commemorates the Mexican Army's victory over French forces at the Battle of Puebla, it also is the day on which my birthday countdown commences. To celebrate, I had tacos for dinner. I read rave reviews about the restaurant I bought my takeout from and the tacos looked yummy (see left) so I had expectations that they would indeed be good and worth my money. I was not let down; they were delicious.

Now, expectations for my birthday this year are a little different. In light of coronavirus, COVID-19, social distancing and sheltering at home, my birthday - as that of countless others - is going to look quite a bit different than it has in years past.

I was talking with my best friend today and told her that I was not lowering my expectations for my special day because, to me, that has a taste of defeat. I told her, instead, I have changed them. As soon as those words flowed from my lips, I realized their weight and a meaning that goes beyond my birthday. 

Like many, my expectations regarding the future have changed. Our 'normal' has changed but what if, as Pastor Steven Furtick of Elevation Church asked in a recent message, our 'normal' really wasn't normal but just familiar? "Things that make you go, hmmm..." (Cue C+C Music Factory's hit from the early 90's...sorry, I couldn't resist!)

God & I have been doing A LOT of work these past eight weeks. Walls & expectations have fallen, per se, like the giant Goliath in the Bible. I have pivoted from pain to purpose, hurt to healing, (perceived) rejection to redirection, grief to growth...and loss to love. God's love has permeated my heart, soul, mind and being to the point my expectations have changed from my ways, wishes & timeline to His ways, purpose & timing. We will emerge from this unprecedented time and we'll be okay,  however, the 'norm' we once knew no longer exists and the expectations once held so tightly have dissolved...which is not necessarily a bad thing. 

When faced with disappointment & outcomes other than what we would have liked, chosen, planned or anticipated, we are faced with a choice: we either lower our expectations to avoid further discomfort and pain, sometimes becoming bitter in the meantime...or we pivot and change our expectations, becoming optimistic & hopeful in the process. I know that is easier said than done, especially when expectations for milestones from graduations to weddings have been turned upside down, however, with changed expectations come new hopes, dreams, open doors, perspectives. Surrender blossoms in the place of control, peace takes root where anger had a foothold, and love emerges from a place where fear once reigned. Going forward, my expectations have changed and I could not be more excited for what lies ahead! Pivot or lower, now that is the question! 

Stay safe & Happy Cinco de Mayo...let the birthday countdown begin!

The Morning After...

With many celebrations, there tends to be a "Now what?!?" moment that follows, if not immediately, then the morning after. Easter is no different, or maybe I'm the only one who thinks this way?!?!

The morning after Easter's rejoicing left me in an odd state of reflection and "Where do I go from here?" contemplation.

During my worship & devotional time yesterday morning, I heard the song, "Tell Your Heart to Beat Again," by Christian contemporary artist Danny Gokey. 


You're shattered

Like you've never been before
The life you knew
In a thousand pieces on the floor
And words fall short in times like these
When this world drives you to your knees
You think you're never gonna get back
To the you that used to be

Tell your heart to beat again
Close your eyes and breathe it in
Let the shadows fall away
Step into the light of grace
Yesterday's a closing door
You don't live there anymore
Say goodbye to where you've been
And tell your heart to beat again

Beginning
Just let that word wash over you
It's alright now
Love's healing hands have pulled you through
So get back up, take step one
Leave the darkness, feel the sun
'Cause your story's far from over
And your journey's just begun

Listening to the lyrics brought clarity regarding the past couple of years, my resulting feelings, and my next steps suddenly became apparent & obvious. The morning after Easter brought me the peace & reassurance I needed, giving me direction on how I was to move forward into my future. 

It is as if the prior year and a half had been one long Good Friday, with closed doors, disappointments, and the death of relationships, dreams & the life I knew.

Then the quietness, stillness & uncertainty of that Saturday. I've walked out the "Now what?" dismay of what I believe the disciples and Jesus' other followers could have felt, thought & said, even if just to themselves. Add regret & remorse I presume Peter and Judas tortured themselves with and you have the makings for a brutally long wait plagued with doubt and second-guessing of what you thought you had, and how you assumed & believed things would occur yet would now never come to pass. 

I've been in a holding pattern, per se, walking out & living that quiet Saturday since January 2, 2020. We all have such high expectations, goals & aspirations for January 1st. The first day, of the first month, of a new year when all the setbacks & missteps of the past year are 'magically' wiped away. The slate is clean, ready for 'do overs' & resets. We have before us the blank page of a new year with new goals, renewed aspirations, revived determination, and the best of intentions; when wrongs will be made right and starts fresh & anew. Endings aren't always bad because beginnings follow. Setbacks sometimes are actually set-ups for what is to come. Some start new jobs, some new relationships, others new diets...I moved to a new state.

With the excitement & exhilaration of new beginnings & endless possibilities, I packed up my life in Texas and closed the door on one chapter of my life to open a new one in Tennessee. Then...the job changed, tornadoes hit, coronavirus spread, home quarantining mandated, and furlough happened. My anticipated next steps were replaced with "Now what?" and "Did I misinterpret what I thought I heard God tell me?" The need to pivot & regroup becomes imperative in these uncertain moments. 

But then came Sunday and the stone was rolled away. Gokey encourages in his song, we get backup, close the door of the past because we aren't meant to live there anymore. We tell our hearts to beat again because the empty tomb on Sunday brings back to life dreams & reassurance of plans and a promise to prosper, not harm us; to give us hope & a future. Resurrection & redemption of what was lost - whether temporary or permanent - causes our hearts to leap with joy, faith & excitement of what is to come. Confidence that we will see beauty out of ashes because nothing is wasted in God's economy & timing; we celebrate victory over death with a renewed purpose & resolve. Strength develops where weakness exists; courage & boldness emerge from where cowardliness & fear once had a foothold. We believe & have faith in a story that,while we do not know what the future holds, we know Who holds the future.

So, on the morning after Easter, we can face the new day with a peace that surpasses all understanding. That being said, we are human and it is our nature to 'self protect' until we have evidence that we are safe. Sure, we can be optimistic but we aren't going to blindly let our guard down & wholeheartedly get our hopes up; been there, done that...at least not until we see with our own eyes. Danny Gokey has another song, "Just Haven't Seen It Yet" which reminds me of the doubting disciple, Thomas. To Thomas, believing was seeing. He needed evidence of what he was hearing; until he saw the risen Lord with His scars, it couldn't be true. 

Faith, however, is hope in the things unseen. In the wake & light of my 'morning after' revelation, I am more determined, motivated & energized to make the most of every day and to believe, trust & take God at His Word. Today is a present, tomorrow is a beautiful blank canvas of hope & endless possibilities, and the future is full of new beginnings, dreams & promises yet to unfold. 

Death & Resurrection...

Death has to occur in order for resurrection to take place. 

Death of...relationships, plans, self. Blessed and released.

Resurrection of...promises, hope, dreams. Brought back to life.

I do not believe there is any coincidence we are walking out COVID-19 during Lent; a journey of, and to, decrease & death on the way to increase & life.

The past as we know it is gone; in its place a new perspective, newfound knowledge, trust, renewal. 

Light of 'that' Sunday morning shining through the darkness of 'that' Friday. Hope renewed & restored. An example of the deepest, purest, most miraculous & redemptive love endured one day so that a covenant is able to come to fruition with the new day dawning three days later. A promised fulfilled. Victory won. Sacrifice made for redemption.

What in your world, past, flesh, or thoughts need to be nailed to the cross to die in order for the resurrection of new hopes, dreams, prayers, and life?

From our limited vantage point of the here & now, like the disciples, we too believe the lie that 'death', an ending, or closed door is the finale of the story. We fail to remember sometimes the ending is a necessary step for the ultimate beginning. Just as the earth must go dormant for a season to allow for new life to spring forth in the next, perhaps it is time to breathe new life into and resurrect a dream, hope, relationship, desire or goal that has been buried, either for a long time or 'just' three days.

What if it wasn't too late for that 'thing' you forgot about or gave up on because, from your viewpoint, it looked hopeless, impossible or too far gone? Sunday was a new day of resurrection that followed Friday's death; but let us not skip over Saturday's waiting. The quiet & delay in the midst may be necessary, just like the hibernation of winter's rest, in order for growth or reawakening to emerge.

Rather than dreams and hope dying, perhaps it is regret, shame, fear & doubt that need to die, per se, and be released in order to resurrect the possibilities of a new day, a new chapter, a new beginning.

The past, with its pain, rejection, failures, mistakes, & dead ends, is gone and 'finished.' In its place, allow the future with its healing, acceptance, forgiveness, love & possibilities to arise.

Let the shadow of the cross be bigger, engulf and redeem anything & everything that has been done & said to & by you. Let disgrace be replaced with honor, weakness with strength, lies with truth, debt with forgiveness, and bondage with freedom. 

Observe and honor the death of Friday & the past to embrace and receive the resurrection of Sunday & the future. A funeral one day; a celebration the next.

Protection...

In these scary, turbulent, uncertain days of COVID-19 and coronavirus, people are needing to take measures & steps to stay safe & healthy. We can do things to protect ourselves & our families such as washing our hands, covering our cough, using sanitizer; all of which helps to protect our bodies from germs. We can get rest, eat sensible diets, exercise & keep socially distant to keep our bodies healthy & help minimize the spread of viruses. But how do you protect your heart & your mind during trying times? When the unknown & uncertainty loom larger than the known & certain?

I turn to God's Word, put on His Armor & pray, as instructed in Ephesians 6:10-18. The helmet of salvation protects my mind from the schemes & lies of the enemy. Daily I have to take my thoughts captive as instructed in Second Corinthians 10:5. In other words, I have to silence my inner critic, worries, doubts & fears by making what God says about me & my future louder than any negative internal dialogue that is on repeat in my head. The breastplate of righteousness protects my heart by extinguishing the fiery & flaming darts of the enemy. In Proverbs 4:23, God's Word tells us we are to, "above all else, guard your heart, for everything you do flows from it." Our heart is the wellspring of life; it houses our emotions & feelings, good or bad. It is said, we speak from what is in, or from the condition of, our heart. What do your words & actions say about the condition of your heart? God's been doing 'surgery' on my heart the past year...in fact, you could say He has performed a heart 'transplant,' taking my heart of stone & replacing it with a fleshy, new heart (Ezekiel 36:26). The thing is, with something that is new & tender, it is also vulnerable. I have to be more diligent in protecting it than I was with my 'old' heart because the walls I previous built up out of protection no longer exist. My 'new' heart is easily bruised & wounded, which is why it is more important than ever that I put on His Armor & read His Word daily, to receive His protection & remind myself of His truth. Without such protection, 'viruses' can infiltrate & attack my 'immune system,' rendering me susceptible to hurts that can cloud & decay my emotions, responses, actions, words & deeds over time.

Yes, we are in unprecedented times. Yes, we need to wash our hands for protection...perhaps it's also the perfect time to cleanse, per se, our hearts & minds for protection as well by 'scrubbing' what we allow in & access to both. Stay safe & sanitize on, my friends!    

Peace & Prayer...

"Through every battle,
through every heartbreak,
through every circumstance...
I believe You are my fortress..." 
(excerpt from "The Way" by Pat Barrett)

Warrior pose.
This image has so many meanings, from a yoga pose to the stance we take when we pray.
Yoga, like prayer, brings peace. 
Prayer, like yoga, channels our inner strength.
You could say in both, we leave everything on the mat.

There's a reason we're called to daily put on the Armor of God; to take up the Shield of Faith and to yield the Sword of the Spirit, which is the Word of God. Not only is it biblical, but when we arm ourselves with these weapons, we become warriors as we pray. In raising our Shield, we protect our hearts - the wellspring of life, the center of our emotions. In prayer, we go to battle for ourselves, our minds, our families, our friends, our country, the world, our concerns, etc.

When we take this warrior prayer stance, we become stronger, not weaker. We are never more powerful, and a bigger threat to the enemy, than we are when we are in a position of prayer; whether on our knees, face down on the floor, or in a chair with folded hands & bowed heads. In this posture, we take our fight to Heaven & God, and His angel army goes to battle on our behalf. 

Prayer opens the floodgates to Heaven and brings God's presence & peace that surpasses all understanding. When we pray, we take our concerns, celebration, & commitments to the Lord. In doing so, we humble ourselves and realize the battle is not ours; it is His...and He has already won the victory! 

These are trying & uncertain times. Put your trust in the One who is trustworthy, faithful & true. In raising our petitions & praise to the King of Kings, Lord of Lords, we are reminded that it is not by our might but in & through His that we are made strong. In His Word, God reminds us that "My grace is sufficient for you, for My power is made perfect in weakness." (2 Cor. 12:9-11).

This is how I fight my battles. God has never let me down & promises to never leave nor forsake me. He also promises, that when we draw close to Him, He will draw close to us. He bottles our tears and knows our needs before & without us even uttering a word.

So, call upon God in prayer & you'll find yourself in the most peaceful, powerful pose, per se, ever.

Compassion...

The following thoughts started flowing after reading today's 'Compassion Means Action' entry in Christine Caine's "Unshakeable" devotional during my quiet time this morning...

In the current craziness, and at times (if we let it), overwhelming uncertainty of all that is going on in the world, I pray that we lead, walk & act out of compassion...for others...and ourselves. Many times we don't realize something needs fixing until it's broken. Rest is easy to ignore until it's 'thrust' upon us, per se. For the most part, trying & difficult times thankfully compels us, out of our compassion, to want to help everyone. But what if, during these emotional, trying & challenging times, we're called to help & serve those in front of us...the ones in our immediate & direct path...you know, our 'tribe', 'squad', 'circle'...our family & friends. I have a running 'to do' list that, due to life's busyness, I haven't been able to get to...unpacking, exercising, adequate sleep, writing thank you notes, writing in general, working my side business, reaching out to & catching up with family & friends, finishing my 2020 vision board, authentic & intentional (versus rushed) devotional/quiet time...and the list goes on and on and on. So, in this 'forced' time of 'social distancing,' rather than allowing aggravation & inconvenience to take hold, I am taking a posture of gratitude for the time to reset, recharge, rest, reassess, & reprioritize. The timing of this all during Lent is interesting. Lent is a time when we allow space of less - less of: us, busyness, have to's, etc. in order to allow for more to come & blossom - more of: God, light, love & compassion. 

Trying times can bring out the best, and unfortunately sometimes, the worst in humanity & ourselves. Just this morning, while scrolling on Facebook, I read both about one friend's car getting stolen from their own driveway and about another's engagement. Polar opposite events, taking place within the same 24-hour span, that evoke polar opposite emotions & responses. I pray that we do not allow what's going on in the world to bring out the worst in us, i.e. fighting in aisles over toilet paper, but rather that we rise to the occasion and let our best, our most compassionate side shine forth & through...of course while washing our hands, covering our cough & staying safe. 

Love...

There's nothing you can do that can't be done
Nothing you can sing that can't be sung
Nothing you can say, but you can learn how to play the game
It's easy
Nothing you can make that can't be made
No one you can save that can't be saved
Nothing you can do, but you can learn how to be you in time
It's easy

All you need is love
All you need is love
All you need is love, love
Love is all you need

There's nothing you can know that isn't known
Nothing you can see that isn't shown
There's nowhere you can be that isn't where you're meant to be
It's easy

All you need is love

(The Beatles/Lennon-McCartney,  1967)

When you slow down & look around, you notice signs all around you. Contemplating a move, I took a trip to do 'research': to explore and, get a feel for & gut check on, my targeted city. I was frustrated that I wasn't getting the neon sign, per se, of clarity & direction that I was seeking & wanted. I did, however, receive the signs I needed. Time and time again, 'love' appeared...in the most unexpected, obvious & subtle ways. 

We are wired to need the love & companionship of others...and actually flourish when received & experienced. That being said, that love does not, and cannot compare with the love of our Heavenly, Almighty Father. God is love - sweet all encompassing, redemptive love. In His gentle, oh so gentlemanly way, He reminded me throughout this trip of His love for me; that the city I was considering is a safe place for my heart & soul to receive healing, fertile ground to see dreams come to fruition, and that love could be experienced, received & walked out there. 

In addition to experiencing God's love, a new love started to take root. As a bud starts to bloom in the sweet spring sun, I felt self-love blossoming. The Bible instructs us in Matthew 22:39 that we are to love our neighbors as we love ourselves. In order to do that, however, you have to first love yourself. On an airplane, in the event of a drop in cabin pressure, we're instructed to first put the oxygen mask on ourselves before others. There is a reason for this - we cannot pour into others when our cup is void & empty...or when we are lacking oxygen.    

In the backdrop of love and writing this post, I feel as though I have come full circle. It has been a little over a year since my last post. Much has happened during the past 12 months. There has been discovery & revelation; loss & gain; death, rebirth & growth; sorrow, pain & heartache; blessing & releasing; change & familiarity; healing & forgiveness; and hope & joy renewed. A year ago, with my last post, a significant chapter of my life was coming to a close...and now with this one, a new chapter & journey are beginning. It is amazing how things & life can change in what feels like a blink of an eye, when in reality it is over the course of a couple months or a year. Enough with the past though; I am looking & moving forward! I am so over the moon hopeful & excited to see what 2020 - a year of new vision, clarity & direction - holds and for what will unfold in the months to come. Hint: my (theme) word for this year is 'MOVE.' I want to move forward on dreams & goals; get moving athletically; be proactive; continue to grow, mature & develop in my faith walk, as a leader, friend, etc.; and my physical address/location could even change as well. A lot is going on in my world...stay tuned. In the meantime, love yourself & others well because, at the end of the day, love is all we need.

One Step at a Time...

Happy New Year and Welcome, 2019! 

As we 'walk' into a new year, while it can be a time of exciting beginnings, dreams, and opportunities...it can also be a time of uncertainty, endings, and the unknown. 

Sometimes, the abundant & daunting weight of endless opportunities is so overwhelming we get a case of 'analysis paralysis' - unable to move forward, towards, and into our destiny and purpose.

On the opposite end of the spectrum, however, sometimes we are in such a hurry to leave the past, with its pain, disappointments, and mistakes, behind us that we embrace & rush down a path we were never meant to follow.

And sometimes, hopefully more times than not, we opt for the path in the middle...where & when we have faith, trust, and hope in the Almighty, the One who has a plan for us, who gives us a peace that surpasses ALL understanding, who is working all things together for us, and who can do exceedingly & abundantly more than we can think or ask, that we are able to rest & lean into the process. 

We can rest because God knows all. His ways are not ours. His timing is perfect. His promises are yes & amen, without expiration, and He is in control. All that is required of us is belief and an obedience to go forth, one step at a time, per se.     

May you walk confidently & boldly into all that God has waiting for you this new year!

Dear Younger Me...

Dear Younger Me...

They say hindsight is 20/20 and I couldn't agree more. Because one never knows how long we have on this earth, I'm writing this to you at what I hope will be the halfway point in and of our lives. In sharing and imparting some words of wisdom and hard taught lessons, I hope I'll be able to spare us some heartache and misguided journeys. 

Harness and pay attention to the creativity you exhibit in your early years. Recognize your love for writing because you'll tap into that passion many years in the future. Remember - you have a voice, your thoughts are valid, and you have a perspective that needs to be shared with the world. Speaking of writing, make the edits and submit your revised essay for the writing contest your Senior year of high school! And, don't disregard playing businesswoman and teacher; when you're trying to figure out "what you want to be when you grow up" many times throughout the course of your life and career, you'll remember those moments and they will serve you well, guiding you like the North Star. 

On the topic of careers, do not compare your inside or your chapter one to someone's outside or chapter twenty - in business, career, or even relationships for that matter. Your purpose and calling are still evolving and unfolding. You've learned a lot along the way, made many mistakes but gleaned some valuable lessons, such as your strengths, passions and what drives you. While you may still have some confusion as to what your second act will look like exactly, you know what you do not want to do with and in life and that, my friend, is half the battle. Enjoy the process, enjoy the journey, and bring value to the world & the lives you touch. Do that and you will be successful & fulfilled. 

You are more insightful than you realize. When you recognized and shared with your mom that you thought your parents should get a divorce, you realized, recognized, and learned that not all relationships are meant to last. While you were one of the few kids you knew who came from a divorced home back then, this gave you a strength and resilience you didn't realize at the time. When you felt different and like you stuck out when you wanted to blend in, take comfort in the fact that different is not wrong; different is just different. Families come in different forms and you were loved beyond measure and that's all that matters.

Be brave in the face of 'that bully' and don't be afraid to walk home. It all turns out okay because bullies appear bigger than they are until you call their bluff...and remember hurt people hurt. 

Which leads me to some pivotal hurts along the way. You'll remember those moments in vivid detail but remember, you did the right thing. You learned to befriend the 'outcasts' and what it felt like to be one...and you'll be better for it. Hurt people hurt and it is better to forgive than to throw the first punch. (And kids will be kids...especially at that age, no one wants to be left out so most are just following the crowd. This will be one of your first lessons in learning to turn the other cheek, despite how much it will hurt at the time. Chalk it up to building resilience, grit, and a c'est la vie thick skin perspective.) 

When faced with the decision of door one or door two, choose door one. The damage will have already been done at that point but you won't second guess yourself when it comes to making decisions going forward. 

You won't realize the magnitude of being the only girl playing kickball but this will be the first of many times when you exhibit your unique strength, which leads me to picking out your varsity jacket and those particular glasses frames - follow your gut, go with what you innately like! Be uniquely you! Be a trailblazer! Don't worry about other people's opinions! As you will hear Rachel Hollis say, "other people's opinions of you is none of your business."

Which is a great segue to being honest, with yourself and with others. If and when someone asks you if something is okay and it isn't or they ask for your opinion...don't bite your tongue and tell them what they want to hear to save the peace. Be honest and speak the truth in love and with respect. Otherwise, resentment, bitterness, anger, and unforgiveness could start to take root within your heart & soul against yourself and that person. Unsaid words are the sources of some of our biggest regrets.

That first big heartbreak? You will get over him. In fact, you will have your heart broken and trust betrayed many times over but do not build a wall around your heart. Please hear me when I say this - you have value, you are special, and just because some won't see that, it just means they're not the right one for you and you're not the right one for them. You'll kiss some frogs along the way, just be more selective. The 'Right One' will come one day, I promise! Go with, and trust, your gut...which leads me to that time when you unexpectedly stop by and walk in and see a situation that looks suspicious. Don't listen to his lame excuse. Follow your gut because it is correct; just turn, walk out and walk away. This will be a great lesson on not compromising...and learning to see through the smooth talk.

Which leads me to the time when you'll drive almost three hours to see someone and he'll act nonchalant when you arrive, trying to be cool like it's no big deal. Refer to the above paragraph. Say your goodbyes, turn and leave. He's not worth your time. Trust me, in doing so you'll save yourself a lot of hassles...and some tears. (OH, and trying to date a golf pro during the summer? Not a good idea. Don't even waste your time.)

Do not, and I repeat, do not get that first credit card. You'll learn your lessons about finances and money the hard way otherwise. Instead, learn to save. Be fiscally responsible and adopt a big picture, future-focused perspective. In doing so, you'll be able to give and support more worthy causes...even forming one yourself down the road.

Regardless of what anyone says, "you're braver than you believe, stronger than you seem, and smarter than you think." You're going to do and achieve many great things, have many exciting experiences but know your path will not be straight. Embrace the detours, the twists, and the turns. Do not be afraid to fail because your biggest regret will be not trying at all. 

On your wedding day, let Nick carry the rings because you won't be able to bear the look on his precious little face when he realizes he wasn't carrying the real ones; and give better directions during the rehearsal because you'll regret letting 'the big day, bridal nerves' takeover by snapping at Gram. Speaking of, enjoy your loved ones and don't try to prepare yourself for the inevitable. That day will come and, no matter how you try to prepare your heart, you'll never be ready to say goodbye. 

Which leads me to Bailey. Dogs leave pawprints on our hearts and they teach us so much about unconditional love. There will be a day when she's no longer with you. Enjoy every single moment you can with her. The chores when you get home? They can wait. She's excited to see you the minute you walk through the door, to play with you, and to have your undivided attention so give it to her. Trust me, you won't regret it and you'll cherish those moments. The same could be said about our significant others...life, the 'to do lists,' and the chores can wait. Sometimes you just have to ignore the laundry and other household responsibilities and put each other first. Life will overload and overwhelm you if you let it so make your relationship a priority.     

That being said, I have two parting thoughts or gifts per se. First, I'm hesitant to share the above precautionary nuggets of goodness because the trials, disappointments & setbacks you endured, and the decisions & second-guesses you made in the many forks in the road...they all made me who I am today: bruised and imperfect, a student of life's lessons and someone made wiser because of the path we walked. You still have a heart for others. You're renewing your hope & faith daily and you're working to leave the world a better place. We go through what we go through, not for our benefit, but for the benefit of someone else. You see, until you walk in their shoes, you can only sympathize. You have to actually walk it out, to survive and endure 'it' in order to truly empathize and get in the thick of it with someone. 

Secondly, from the bottom of my heart, I forgive you. Now, you have to forgive yourself. You may think you are in control but ultimately you defer to God's timing, will, and plan for your life. Regardless of our choices, the minute we relinquish and turn over the reins to Him, He'll be able to get you back on course. His promises do not come with expiration dates, and your 'mistakes' are not bigger than His plans for your life. We're all doing the best we can, in the moment, with the knowledge & heart we have at any given point in time. Granted, I would have liked to have avoided some of life's lessons but I came out okay & stronger because of the path you chose for us to embark upon. I'll touch base with you in another forty plus years...can't wait to see what you do in the meantime. I have a feeling the best is yet to come!