Life's Inevitable...

"Hello, my name is Nicole and I want to be vulnerable & sincere; to live life to the fullest while I am here; to be in the moment & intentional while being authentic, raw & real."

I wrote those words in my journal this morning after a rich devotional & quiet time with the Lord, and after processing a short video I had just watched. In the video, the curator said we are not special, we are unique in that we will all go through pain because that is life; it is just a matter of when, not if, and in what form (i.e. death, disease, divorce, dealing with a loved one's addiction, etc.). How we deal and respond to that pain, however, varies from person to person and is determined by our unique makeup & wiring.

"Dance like nobody's watching; love like you've never been hurt. Sing like nobody's listening; live like it's heaven on earth." I want to walk out Mark Twain's directive because his wise words feel 'safe' & courageous; like a shield against all the negative life throws at us. Unfortunately, this 'utopic' perspective is not conducive to growth. For it is in and through pain & loss that we gain the ability to recognize and experience pleasure & love. Both sides of the coin are inevitable in life and it takes both for true growth & evolution to occur.

When I was learning to snow ski, I remember hearing "If you're not falling down, you're not learning to ski." How true! The same could be said for life. It is through the bumps & bruises, aches & pains, sweat & tears, struggle & effort that an athlete develops strength & muscle memory, children are born, butterflies emerge from the cocoon, and a seedling sprouts up through the dirt to bloom. 

Nature's truest example of beauty out of the muck is the lotus flower. After blooming from muddy & cloudy water, the flower emerges beautifully pristine. It is often what we learn in the process of walking out the pain & darkness of life that brings the beauty & light. 

Knowing life & death are inevitable, rather than burying our head in the sand or running for the hills in avoidance, imagine if we instead embraced acceptance of that which we cannot control or change? What if we asked ourselves what could be learned during the process, in the meantime, and in the midst? In typing those words, the Serenity Prayer comes to mind..."Lord, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and wisdom to know the difference." Think how the learning curve could be shortened and 're-do's' skipped because, as I have learned and experienced, we continue to get 'the lesson' until we pass 'the test.'

We never 'arrive' in & on this journey called life. There is evolution in intentionally showing up, being present and embracing, per se, the unexpected & the often-desired avoidable. Sorrow & loss are as much a part of life's mosaic as are joy & gain. Growth never - if rarely - happens in the status quo. It is when we can release our grip of resistance & control that resilience & compassion emerge. 

I received a beautiful, colorful birthday bouquet of flowers today from a dear, lifelong friend. This sweet surprise brought an unexpected burst of joy to my heart and smile to my face. I know in a couple days the flowers will die. That is a fact I cannot avoid, deny or change, however, what will remain is the memory of her kind & thoughtful gesture, and the joy I received while the blooms were alive & fragrant. Polar opposites yet one does not exist without the other. So, lean into the pain and embrace the unknown, the unfolded and the unwritten of what is unseen and is to come. It is here, in this space of grace, grit & uncertainty, of pressing in but not being shaken by the uncomfortable & inevitable ups & downs of this roller coaster ride we call life, that we are truly alive and true transformation takes place.   

 

Masks...

For the past couple of months, masks have been and are being worn as a preventive measure against the spread of the coronavirus. They especially keep healthcare workers, front line workers and those with compromised immune systems as well as the general public safer and the spread of the contagious disease to a minimum.

However, it hit me the other day, long before the world-wide pandemic became an everyday topic, many of us were already wearing figurative masks. 'Masks' to help us feel as if we are enough but in reality provide nothing more than a false sense of confidence & security and are just safety & defensive measures; airs we don to hide our guilt, shame, insecurities, lack, deficiencies, past & failures. Because, we fear, if people saw the 'real' us - flaws, failures & all - they might not like what they see. We deem it best and 'safer' to keep up the impression & appearance that we have it all together...at least while we are in public.

I believe this is the appeal of masquerade balls, when & where we can take on a persona different than our own, real selves. If just for a short time, we have an air of mystery and can be someone other than our true selves.

Superheroes wear masks to hide and keep secret their real identities. Isn't this what we do everyday, trying to be the perfect...parent, spouse, employee, boss, son or daughter, friend, etc. After a while, however, the mask originally worn for 'protection' becomes cumbersome and uncomfortable; heavy with the weight of keeping up the façade, day in and day out. 

What if, however, we take off our mask and take a long, honest look in the mirror and accepted our perceived 'imperfections' as our superpowers rather than faults? By doing so, we allow, encourage & inspire others that it is okay to take off their masks, per se, as well to reveal, show & share their true identity, in all of its natural beauty & grace; flaws, scars & all.

So, be careful which 'mask' you put on & wear in public. The world needs the real you to shine forth & through.

Candles...

How do you reconcile when the candles that are (supposed to be) on your cake do not match the number you feel in your head, your heart, and/or how you feel in your skin?

Age is an odd thing...

In your youth, you have metabolism & wrinkle-free skin on your side. With age come wisdom & wrinkles along with experience & life lessons gained easily and through trials.

Yesterday, I had an AMAZING birthday. I would even say it was in my top four best birthdays of all time. Due to COVID-19, we all have had to adapt, adjust & redefine our 'norm.' I did not lower my expectations for my birthday observance this year, I just changed them...and that flexible pivot allowed my heart to be open & soar, basking in the beautiful unfolding that happened throughout the day. I was showered with an outpouring of love, generosity and celebration. I was engulfed by a sense of contentment, peace & joy that was overwhelming, hard to explain, and frankly took me by surprise; like the heartfelt glee & wonder watching a butterfly fly and then gently land. I was intentional and in the moment with the people I was 'with,' whether it was virtual or socially distant. I felt a chapter close and a new one open, waiting to be discovered & written.

Next year brings with it a candle that signifies a major milestone birthday for me. I am not going to be anxious or fret when that one little candle is added. Throughout the past couple of weeks, my perspective has shifted, per se, and allowed healing, love, hope, peace & joy to take up residence in my heart. It is as if all the seeds that have been planted throughout the years are finally starting to bloom. As a result, I am excited for the upcoming year and believe it will be my best one yet. After all, a candle is just a candle.     

Expectations...

While Cinco de Mayo commemorates the Mexican Army's victory over French forces at the Battle of Puebla, it also is the day on which my birthday countdown commences. To celebrate, I had tacos for dinner. I read rave reviews about the restaurant I bought my takeout from and the tacos looked yummy (see left) so I had expectations that they would indeed be good and worth my money. I was not let down; they were delicious.

Now, expectations for my birthday this year are a little different. In light of coronavirus, COVID-19, social distancing and sheltering at home, my birthday - as that of countless others - is going to look quite a bit different than it has in years past.

I was talking with my best friend today and told her that I was not lowering my expectations for my special day because, to me, that has a taste of defeat. I told her, instead, I have changed them. As soon as those words flowed from my lips, I realized their weight and a meaning that goes beyond my birthday. 

Like many, my expectations regarding the future have changed. Our 'normal' has changed but what if, as Pastor Steven Furtick of Elevation Church asked in a recent message, our 'normal' really wasn't normal but just familiar? "Things that make you go, hmmm..." (Cue C+C Music Factory's hit from the early 90's...sorry, I couldn't resist!)

God & I have been doing A LOT of work these past eight weeks. Walls & expectations have fallen, per se, like the giant Goliath in the Bible. I have pivoted from pain to purpose, hurt to healing, (perceived) rejection to redirection, grief to growth...and loss to love. God's love has permeated my heart, soul, mind and being to the point my expectations have changed from my ways, wishes & timeline to His ways, purpose & timing. We will emerge from this unprecedented time and we'll be okay,  however, the 'norm' we once knew no longer exists and the expectations once held so tightly have dissolved...which is not necessarily a bad thing. 

When faced with disappointment & outcomes other than what we would have liked, chosen, planned or anticipated, we are faced with a choice: we either lower our expectations to avoid further discomfort and pain, sometimes becoming bitter in the meantime...or we pivot and change our expectations, becoming optimistic & hopeful in the process. I know that is easier said than done, especially when expectations for milestones from graduations to weddings have been turned upside down, however, with changed expectations come new hopes, dreams, open doors, perspectives. Surrender blossoms in the place of control, peace takes root where anger had a foothold, and love emerges from a place where fear once reigned. Going forward, my expectations have changed and I could not be more excited for what lies ahead! Pivot or lower, now that is the question! 

Stay safe & Happy Cinco de Mayo...let the birthday countdown begin!

The Morning After...

With many celebrations, there tends to be a "Now what?!?" moment that follows, if not immediately, then the morning after. Easter is no different, or maybe I'm the only one who thinks this way?!?!

The morning after Easter's rejoicing left me in an odd state of reflection and "Where do I go from here?" contemplation.

During my worship & devotional time yesterday morning, I heard the song, "Tell Your Heart to Beat Again," by Christian contemporary artist Danny Gokey. 


You're shattered

Like you've never been before
The life you knew
In a thousand pieces on the floor
And words fall short in times like these
When this world drives you to your knees
You think you're never gonna get back
To the you that used to be

Tell your heart to beat again
Close your eyes and breathe it in
Let the shadows fall away
Step into the light of grace
Yesterday's a closing door
You don't live there anymore
Say goodbye to where you've been
And tell your heart to beat again

Beginning
Just let that word wash over you
It's alright now
Love's healing hands have pulled you through
So get back up, take step one
Leave the darkness, feel the sun
'Cause your story's far from over
And your journey's just begun

Listening to the lyrics brought clarity regarding the past couple of years, my resulting feelings, and my next steps suddenly became apparent & obvious. The morning after Easter brought me the peace & reassurance I needed, giving me direction on how I was to move forward into my future. 

It is as if the prior year and a half had been one long Good Friday, with closed doors, disappointments, and the death of relationships, dreams & the life I knew.

Then the quietness, stillness & uncertainty of that Saturday. I've walked out the "Now what?" dismay of what I believe the disciples and Jesus' other followers could have felt, thought & said, even if just to themselves. Add regret & remorse I presume Peter and Judas tortured themselves with and you have the makings for a brutally long wait plagued with doubt and second-guessing of what you thought you had, and how you assumed & believed things would occur yet would now never come to pass. 

I've been in a holding pattern, per se, walking out & living that quiet Saturday since January 2, 2020. We all have such high expectations, goals & aspirations for January 1st. The first day, of the first month, of a new year when all the setbacks & missteps of the past year are 'magically' wiped away. The slate is clean, ready for 'do overs' & resets. We have before us the blank page of a new year with new goals, renewed aspirations, revived determination, and the best of intentions; when wrongs will be made right and starts fresh & anew. Endings aren't always bad because beginnings follow. Setbacks sometimes are actually set-ups for what is to come. Some start new jobs, some new relationships, others new diets...I moved to a new state.

With the excitement & exhilaration of new beginnings & endless possibilities, I packed up my life in Texas and closed the door on one chapter of my life to open a new one in Tennessee. Then...the job changed, tornadoes hit, coronavirus spread, home quarantining mandated, and furlough happened. My anticipated next steps were replaced with "Now what?" and "Did I misinterpret what I thought I heard God tell me?" The need to pivot & regroup becomes imperative in these uncertain moments. 

But then came Sunday and the stone was rolled away. Gokey encourages in his song, we get backup, close the door of the past because we aren't meant to live there anymore. We tell our hearts to beat again because the empty tomb on Sunday brings back to life dreams & reassurance of plans and a promise to prosper, not harm us; to give us hope & a future. Resurrection & redemption of what was lost - whether temporary or permanent - causes our hearts to leap with joy, faith & excitement of what is to come. Confidence that we will see beauty out of ashes because nothing is wasted in God's economy & timing; we celebrate victory over death with a renewed purpose & resolve. Strength develops where weakness exists; courage & boldness emerge from where cowardliness & fear once had a foothold. We believe & have faith in a story that,while we do not know what the future holds, we know Who holds the future.

So, on the morning after Easter, we can face the new day with a peace that surpasses all understanding. That being said, we are human and it is our nature to 'self protect' until we have evidence that we are safe. Sure, we can be optimistic but we aren't going to blindly let our guard down & wholeheartedly get our hopes up; been there, done that...at least not until we see with our own eyes. Danny Gokey has another song, "Just Haven't Seen It Yet" which reminds me of the doubting disciple, Thomas. To Thomas, believing was seeing. He needed evidence of what he was hearing; until he saw the risen Lord with His scars, it couldn't be true. 

Faith, however, is hope in the things unseen. In the wake & light of my 'morning after' revelation, I am more determined, motivated & energized to make the most of every day and to believe, trust & take God at His Word. Today is a present, tomorrow is a beautiful blank canvas of hope & endless possibilities, and the future is full of new beginnings, dreams & promises yet to unfold. 

Death & Resurrection...

Death has to occur in order for resurrection to take place. 

Death of...relationships, plans, self. Blessed and released.

Resurrection of...promises, hope, dreams. Brought back to life.

I do not believe there is any coincidence we are walking out COVID-19 during Lent; a journey of, and to, decrease & death on the way to increase & life.

The past as we know it is gone; in its place a new perspective, newfound knowledge, trust, renewal. 

Light of 'that' Sunday morning shining through the darkness of 'that' Friday. Hope renewed & restored. An example of the deepest, purest, most miraculous & redemptive love endured one day so that a covenant is able to come to fruition with the new day dawning three days later. A promised fulfilled. Victory won. Sacrifice made for redemption.

What in your world, past, flesh, or thoughts need to be nailed to the cross to die in order for the resurrection of new hopes, dreams, prayers, and life?

From our limited vantage point of the here & now, like the disciples, we too believe the lie that 'death', an ending, or closed door is the finale of the story. We fail to remember sometimes the ending is a necessary step for the ultimate beginning. Just as the earth must go dormant for a season to allow for new life to spring forth in the next, perhaps it is time to breathe new life into and resurrect a dream, hope, relationship, desire or goal that has been buried, either for a long time or 'just' three days.

What if it wasn't too late for that 'thing' you forgot about or gave up on because, from your viewpoint, it looked hopeless, impossible or too far gone? Sunday was a new day of resurrection that followed Friday's death; but let us not skip over Saturday's waiting. The quiet & delay in the midst may be necessary, just like the hibernation of winter's rest, in order for growth or reawakening to emerge.

Rather than dreams and hope dying, perhaps it is regret, shame, fear & doubt that need to die, per se, and be released in order to resurrect the possibilities of a new day, a new chapter, a new beginning.

The past, with its pain, rejection, failures, mistakes, & dead ends, is gone and 'finished.' In its place, allow the future with its healing, acceptance, forgiveness, love & possibilities to arise.

Let the shadow of the cross be bigger, engulf and redeem anything & everything that has been done & said to & by you. Let disgrace be replaced with honor, weakness with strength, lies with truth, debt with forgiveness, and bondage with freedom. 

Observe and honor the death of Friday & the past to embrace and receive the resurrection of Sunday & the future. A funeral one day; a celebration the next.

Protection...

In these scary, turbulent, uncertain days of COVID-19 and coronavirus, people are needing to take measures & steps to stay safe & healthy. We can do things to protect ourselves & our families such as washing our hands, covering our cough, using sanitizer; all of which helps to protect our bodies from germs. We can get rest, eat sensible diets, exercise & keep socially distant to keep our bodies healthy & help minimize the spread of viruses. But how do you protect your heart & your mind during trying times? When the unknown & uncertainty loom larger than the known & certain?

I turn to God's Word, put on His Armor & pray, as instructed in Ephesians 6:10-18. The helmet of salvation protects my mind from the schemes & lies of the enemy. Daily I have to take my thoughts captive as instructed in Second Corinthians 10:5. In other words, I have to silence my inner critic, worries, doubts & fears by making what God says about me & my future louder than any negative internal dialogue that is on repeat in my head. The breastplate of righteousness protects my heart by extinguishing the fiery & flaming darts of the enemy. In Proverbs 4:23, God's Word tells us we are to, "above all else, guard your heart, for everything you do flows from it." Our heart is the wellspring of life; it houses our emotions & feelings, good or bad. It is said, we speak from what is in, or from the condition of, our heart. What do your words & actions say about the condition of your heart? God's been doing 'surgery' on my heart the past year...in fact, you could say He has performed a heart 'transplant,' taking my heart of stone & replacing it with a fleshy, new heart (Ezekiel 36:26). The thing is, with something that is new & tender, it is also vulnerable. I have to be more diligent in protecting it than I was with my 'old' heart because the walls I previous built up out of protection no longer exist. My 'new' heart is easily bruised & wounded, which is why it is more important than ever that I put on His Armor & read His Word daily, to receive His protection & remind myself of His truth. Without such protection, 'viruses' can infiltrate & attack my 'immune system,' rendering me susceptible to hurts that can cloud & decay my emotions, responses, actions, words & deeds over time.

Yes, we are in unprecedented times. Yes, we need to wash our hands for protection...perhaps it's also the perfect time to cleanse, per se, our hearts & minds for protection as well by 'scrubbing' what we allow in & access to both. Stay safe & sanitize on, my friends!