Dear Younger Me...

Dear Younger Me...

They say hindsight is 20/20 and I couldn't agree more. Because one never knows how long we have on this earth, I'm writing this to you at what I hope will be the halfway point in and of our lives. In sharing and imparting some words of wisdom and hard taught lessons, I hope I'll be able to spare us some heartache and misguided journeys. 

Harness and pay attention to the creativity you exhibit in your early years. Recognize your love for writing because you'll tap into that passion many years in the future. Remember - you have a voice, your thoughts are valid, and you have a perspective that needs to be shared with the world. Speaking of writing, make the edits and submit your revised essay for the writing contest your Senior year of high school! And, don't disregard playing businesswoman and teacher; when you're trying to figure out "what you want to be when you grow up" many times throughout the course of your life and career, you'll remember those moments and they will serve you well, guiding you like the North Star. 

On the topic of careers, do not compare your inside or your chapter one to someone's outside or chapter twenty - in business, career, or even relationships for that matter. Your purpose and calling are still evolving and unfolding. You've learned a lot along the way, made many mistakes but gleaned some valuable lessons, such as your strengths, passions and what drives you. While you may still have some confusion as to what your second act will look like exactly, you know what you do not want to do with and in life and that, my friend, is half the battle. Enjoy the process, enjoy the journey, and bring value to the world & the lives you touch. Do that and you will be successful & fulfilled. 

You are more insightful than you realize. When you recognized and shared with your mom that you thought your parents should get a divorce, you realized, recognized, and learned that not all relationships are meant to last. While you were one of the few kids you knew who came from a divorced home back then, this gave you a strength and resilience you didn't realize at the time. When you felt different and like you stuck out when you wanted to blend in, take comfort in the fact that different is not wrong; different is just different. Families come in different forms and you were loved beyond measure and that's all that matters.

Be brave in the face of 'that bully' and don't be afraid to walk home. It all turns out okay because bullies appear bigger than they are until you call their bluff...and remember hurt people hurt. 

Which leads me to some pivotal hurts along the way. You'll remember those moments in vivid detail but remember, you did the right thing. You learned to befriend the 'outcasts' and what it felt like to be one...and you'll be better for it. Hurt people hurt and it is better to forgive than to throw the first punch. (And kids will be kids...especially at that age, no one wants to be left out so most are just following the crowd. This will be one of your first lessons in learning to turn the other cheek, despite how much it will hurt at the time. Chalk it up to building resilience, grit, and a c'est la vie thick skin perspective.) 

When faced with the decision of door one or door two, choose door one. The damage will have already been done at that point but you won't second guess yourself when it comes to making decisions going forward. 

You won't realize the magnitude of being the only girl playing kickball but this will be the first of many times when you exhibit your unique strength, which leads me to picking out your varsity jacket and those particular glasses frames - follow your gut, go with what you innately like! Be uniquely you! Be a trailblazer! Don't worry about other people's opinions! As you will hear Rachel Hollis say, "other people's opinions of you is none of your business."

Which is a great segue to being honest, with yourself and with others. If and when someone asks you if something is okay and it isn't or they ask for your opinion...don't bite your tongue and tell them what they want to hear to save the peace. Be honest and speak the truth in love and with respect. Otherwise, resentment, bitterness, anger, and unforgiveness could start to take root within your heart & soul against yourself and that person. Unsaid words are the sources of some of our biggest regrets.

That first big heartbreak? You will get over him. In fact, you will have your heart broken and trust betrayed many times over but do not build a wall around your heart. Please hear me when I say this - you have value, you are special, and just because some won't see that, it just means they're not the right one for you and you're not the right one for them. You'll kiss some frogs along the way, just be more selective. The 'Right One' will come one day, I promise! Go with, and trust, your gut...which leads me to that time when you unexpectedly stop by and walk in and see a situation that looks suspicious. Don't listen to his lame excuse. Follow your gut because it is correct; just turn, walk out and walk away. This will be a great lesson on not compromising...and learning to see through the smooth talk.

Which leads me to the time when you'll drive almost three hours to see someone and he'll act nonchalant when you arrive, trying to be cool like it's no big deal. Refer to the above paragraph. Say your goodbyes, turn and leave. He's not worth your time. Trust me, in doing so you'll save yourself a lot of hassles...and some tears. (OH, and trying to date a golf pro during the summer? Not a good idea. Don't even waste your time.)

Do not, and I repeat, do not get that first credit card. You'll learn your lessons about finances and money the hard way otherwise. Instead, learn to save. Be fiscally responsible and adopt a big picture, future-focused perspective. In doing so, you'll be able to give and support more worthy causes...even forming one yourself down the road.

Regardless of what anyone says, "you're braver than you believe, stronger than you seem, and smarter than you think." You're going to do and achieve many great things, have many exciting experiences but know your path will not be straight. Embrace the detours, the twists, and the turns. Do not be afraid to fail because your biggest regret will be not trying at all. 

On your wedding day, let Nick carry the rings because you won't be able to bear the look on his precious little face when he realizes he wasn't carrying the real ones; and give better directions during the rehearsal because you'll regret letting 'the big day, bridal nerves' takeover by snapping at Gram. Speaking of, enjoy your loved ones and don't try to prepare yourself for the inevitable. That day will come and, no matter how you try to prepare your heart, you'll never be ready to say goodbye. 

Which leads me to Bailey. Dogs leave pawprints on our hearts and they teach us so much about unconditional love. There will be a day when she's no longer with you. Enjoy every single moment you can with her. The chores when you get home? They can wait. She's excited to see you the minute you walk through the door, to play with you, and to have your undivided attention so give it to her. Trust me, you won't regret it and you'll cherish those moments. The same could be said about our significant others...life, the 'to do lists,' and the chores can wait. Sometimes you just have to ignore the laundry and other household responsibilities and put each other first. Life will overload and overwhelm you if you let it so make your relationship a priority.     

That being said, I have two parting thoughts or gifts per se. First, I'm hesitant to share the above precautionary nuggets of goodness because the trials, disappointments & setbacks you endured, and the decisions & second-guesses you made in the many forks in the road...they all made me who I am today: bruised and imperfect, a student of life's lessons and someone made wiser because of the path we walked. You still have a heart for others. You're renewing your hope & faith daily and you're working to leave the world a better place. We go through what we go through, not for our benefit, but for the benefit of someone else. You see, until you walk in their shoes, you can only sympathize. You have to actually walk it out, to survive and endure 'it' in order to truly empathize and get in the thick of it with someone. 

Secondly, from the bottom of my heart, I forgive you. Now, you have to forgive yourself. You may think you are in control but ultimately you defer to God's timing, will, and plan for your life. Regardless of our choices, the minute we relinquish and turn over the reins to Him, He'll be able to get you back on course. His promises do not come with expiration dates, and your 'mistakes' are not bigger than His plans for your life. We're all doing the best we can, in the moment, with the knowledge & heart we have at any given point in time. Granted, I would have liked to have avoided some of life's lessons but I came out okay & stronger because of the path you chose for us to embark upon. I'll touch base with you in another forty plus years...can't wait to see what you do in the meantime. I have a feeling the best is yet to come! 























  

Clenched or Open...

A while ago a friend posted on Facebook that during a Sunday message her pastor declared to the congregation that he would meet them where they were but that he loved them too much to leave them there.

In reading her post, what resonated with me was the thought that something was not wanted from them but that more was wanted for them. 

As I typed that, I imagined Jesus kneeling down and looking us in the eyes, gently and lovingly saying this to us as well. Time and time again in the Bible, when someone was asked to 'give up' or release something dear to them, it was replaced with something much more than they could have thought, asked or imagined. This prompted the recollection of a cartoon drawing I once saw of a little girl clinging tightly to a small teddy bear while facing Jesus, who was kneeling down looking her in the eyes while holding a huge teddy bear behind His back. He had his hand outreached as if asking the little girl to hand Him the stuffed animal she was clenching tightly and lovingly to her chest. What she did not realize was that Jesus was asking for her bear so He could exchange it for the much larger one He had behind His back. She just needed to trust Him, and if she did, He would replace what she 'lost' or 'gave up' with something so much better...but all she was aware of in the moment was her impending loss; that she was being asked to relinquish something dear and precious to her.

How many time are we like the little girl, clinging so desperately to what is in front of us and within our reach because we cannot see what is waiting for us beyond our reach? So often we cling to what is before us because it is tangible, familiar and known. That does not mean, however, that our current <fill in the blank>, (i.e. relationship, job, weight, situation, etc.), is God's best or all He has for us, as much as we sometimes trick ourselves into thinking or believing. And, the choice does not always have to be between good or bad; sometimes it is a choice between better and best. It feels cruel when what we view as the 'fitting' solution - a healing from cancer, the intended child to adopt, that great job prospect, or that amazing guy or girl - eludes us. We question, doubt, and even get angry with being denied that one thing we wanted, prayed, and wished for with all of our heart. What I am learning, however, is that despite the heartbreak, the best outcome or answer is not always going to be the one that is obvious to us or the one we desired. For example, when the cancer isn't healed, it is the legacy, influence, and impact of a loved one on and in our and others' lives that is magnified when the loved one is gone. You could say it comes down to the posture you are willing to have or take when faced with the choice between releasing or retaining.

Will your posture be one of clenching, clinging, and gripping intensely to what you have? Or, when faced with the unknown, will you open your heart and hand to all the possibilities of what could be waiting for you around the corner, down the road, and in your future? When your hand and heart is closed, you are unable to receive. There is even a physical difference felt, per se, between the two positions. Don't believe me? Hold out your hand and form a fist, clenching it tightly. Now, open your hand and release all the tension. Feel the difference? You can even feel it in your heart as well. 

God desires the best for us, just as we desire the best for our children, family, friends, and for ourselves. We just need to trust and be open and willing to trade or exchange our will, plan and known for His will, plan and that which is yet to be revealed. So, what stance will you take with your life and your heart, even when you do not or cannot see what is waiting for you? Will you clench to hold tight or will you be open to receive? 

 

What If...

What if...fears, obstacles, detours, and setbacks were there, not to hold you back but to propel you forward; guiding and redirecting your steps to the path you were meant to follow? 

Think of the butterfly...a caterpillar that emerges from its cocoon via struggle, needed perseverance, and determination. In doing so, it strengthens its wings for flight, re-entering the world with all of its unique beauty and grace. Now think of a runner or athlete who puts in long hours training, enduring sweat and pain to arrive at their designated event stronger and more capable than they first started out, and sometimes than they even imagined possible.

What if...you decided to look at the mountains set before you instead as molehills, per se? Rome was not built in a day and victory is achieved one step at a time. Anything worth having is much sweeter when achieved, attained, and accomplished through and after overcoming. So, refocus your lens, adjust your perspective, and start thinking of all the possibilities, experiences, and dreams ahead of you by asking yourself those two little words..."What if...?!?!" 














Photo by Parker Amstutz on Unsplash

Bandwidth and Grace...

It has been, (cue air quotes), "awhile," (cough, February, cough), since I last posted but that does not mean I have not written. In fact, I wrote and have had five blog posts in the queue since early of April. Heck, I even wrote a post for my husband and our anniversary, which is this month (June), in late April. The writing is not the problem...the challenge is finding the "time" (cue more air quotes) to bring those ideas to fruition. Or more specifically and accurately, the bandwidth - the mental capacity - to sit down and 'make it happen'...or some days, make anything happen. The ideas flow easy. The dreams fun to form. The successful outcomes of the goals amazing to imagine. It is when the rubber hits the pavement and the time has come to 'put up or shut up,' however, that the 'going gets tough' and the brick wall seemingly appears out of nowhere resulting in arms flinging (or flailing, depending on the day) into the air in desperate and overwhelming exasperation and surrender. 

Have you ever felt so stretched to your limit? To the point of almost breaking, where something has to give or you will? I heard the following phrase, (my apologies - I cannot remember the source...perhaps Brene' Brown?!?), and it seemed to shed light on my recent mental whirlwind haze that I can only describe as walking through quicksand while riding a bike and playing an instrument during a tornado. Seriously, when I read the following eight 'simple' words, I thought I saw the skies open, sunbeams shine down from above, and heard birds chirping a melodic tune...you know, those times when a lightbulb appears above cartoon characters when they have a bright idea or something FINALLY clicks?       

"Operate from a place of abundance, not depletion."

Whoa! That phrase really resonated with me because of my recent internal struggle with bandwidth. As much as I want to deny or defy, per se, the 47 candles on my recent birthday cake, something has shifted in my mental capacity to do more and keep up with an insane, neck-breaking pace. Recently, I sometimes feel as if I broke my brain or overused its capacity. (I am not trying to say or imply I am a big brainiac or anything...instead, imagine plugging too many plugs into an outlet via extension cords...some circuits just are not made to overload.) It is as if my mind is waving the white flag of surrender and saying "Enough is enough. No more multi-tasking, over productivity, burning the candle at both ends, and pushing, going & doing." I used to be able to go, go and do. Now, just like a frozen computer or lagging cellphone, it is time for a reboot to operate at an optimal level and speed going forward.  

This is where that phrase came in and why it so intensely took to my soul. We go and go and go until we can go no more...and then we turn around and squeeze out just a little more. A dried up turnip? Not here. We put the Energizer Bunny to shame. But at what cost? What good can our exhaustive plan of attack produce? Are we our best selves? Are we truly in touch with all of our connections? Are we really building memories? Are we truly leaving things better than we found them? Are we loving others and ourselves well? Is there ever, really, truly, any realistic hope or chance of us being anywhere near as productive as our Mount Rushmore-esque 'to-do lists' indicate or suggest? This past Thursday by 2:30 pm alone, I read or heard comments from three friends who communicated being on similar overwhelming paths filled with unrealistic expectations either self-imposed or thrust upon them.  They all realized that a change in attitude was necessary or an inevitable 'crash and burn' would result, and they would be the unfortunate but avoidable casualty. 

We all questioned why ...and we all knew our current speed of light pace was neither right nor sustainable. Something had to give or we unfortunately would.

That is when grace came in. You know how when you look and look for something yet it continues to elude you...only to find it, right in front of you, once you stop darting to and fro in a frenzied search? That is how grace gently tapped me on the shoulder last Tuesday. It was as if I received a precious sneak preview of the answer before I realized I was given the test. That morning multiple devotional readings centered around grace, that free and unmerited favor bestowed through the gift of blessings. What if we offered ourselves some slack or grace? What if we embraced the moment for what it was - the present we will never get back. Tomorrow is not guaranteed so we sure as better enjoy today for all its worth.

In response to one of my above-mentioned friends, I offered that, with so much access, so many opinions, so many options, so much to do, so much 'noise' to distract us, what we really need is less...a little less stretching of our bandwidth (whether it is to prove to ourselves or others what we can do, accomplish, become, or squeeze into a mere 24 hour day)...and a little more grace with each other, and most certainly and especially, with ourselves. Don't worry, the to-do list, chores, and errands will be there tomorrow; you or those dear relationships may not.

Lent...

"Lent lends light to all the dark." Ann Voskamp

In trying to determine what to give up from the usual suspects and vices of choice (sweets, soda, fries, bread, cursing, sparkling wine, social media...), just three days into the Lenten season I am already failing miserably in my pursuit of a more disciplined focus on, and time with, God. During my devotional time this morning, however, I had the revelation that my attempts at clearing the clutter and quieting the noise are futile if my heart is not in the right place and on board with my 'sacrifices.' For it is out of our hearts that flow the wellspring of life (Proverbs 4:23).  We speak out of the abundance of what is in our hearts (Luke 6:45).  Within this realization, I fear I am more of a clanging cymbal in my speech than the true and pure exhibition of love for God and others by bearing all things (1 Corinthians 13:1-7).

Then I read the above quote by Ann Voskamp in her recent Lent blog post. Through her short but powerful sentence and my indecisiveness, I am reminded of what James said about faith being dead without works (James 2:14-26).  But what if all that is motivating me are the works?  Where is my faith?  With faith in my heart, the 'works part' should come easy, per se, almost occurring without a thought.

Easy...and I use that term loosely, almost mockingly, because I know that any time we attempt to abdicate an addiction, sever a stronghold, and break free from bondages that hold us back and down, the process is never easy. That being said, it is 'easy' to overcome our Achilles heel in the absence of our weakness, our thorn, and the source of our downfall.  It takes heartfelt commitment, immense resolve, and true grit to stay the course of self restraint when the source of our contention and temptation is staring us in the face. It is 'easy' to overcome, ignore, and conquer something that is not there, however, how is the battle truly won in that circumstance?  The battle is won and victory achieved when we see the social media notifications and choose to ignore them; when we walk confidently and boldly past the bakery section without even glancing into the case rather than rerouting our shopping journey to avoid this area altogether; when we choose to believe God's Word and truth over the lies of the enemy and harsh, critical words of others; when we allow forgiveness to reign over our hearts and lives rather than bitterness and past hurts; and when we relinquish our plans, will and desires to those of God. We are truly triumphant when we are intentional in our thoughts, words, deeds, and actions - by conscience decision rather than obligation. It is choosing to throw back the curtains, letting the light and joy of the day shine in, rather than keeping them drawn and closed, pretending the darkness is ever present.

Through my prayers and asking God for guidance as to what to abstain from this Lenten season, He revealed to me today that it does not matter what I do or don't do, give up or keep, if my heart is not in, behind, and motivating my sacrifice.  Without the latter, I am just going through the motions.  So, this year, rather than tuning out and turning away from the sources of my distraction, temptation and weakness for forty days of somber mourning in anticipation of Good Friday's loss at Calvary, I am going to tune in and turn towards God in the midst of my distractions, temptations and weaknesses while preparing my heart with joy for the light and resounding victory of the Cross on Easter morning.  

To do this, rather than a "one and done, puff lob or volley" prayer to God and then moving on, I need to press in, be diligent, and pray like Anna in the temple (Luke 2:36-38), daily going before God with my heartfelt obedience, cries, petitions and requests.  I have to be persistent like the woman before the judge (Luke 18:1-8) and like Jacob wrestling with God, not letting go until God blessed him (Genesis 32:22-31). While it may only take faith as small as a mustard seed to move a mountain (Matthew 17:20), it also takes a heart filled with passion, reverence, awe, commitment, love and unyielding desire, belief, faith, trust and hope to cast out demons, have chains broken, see true change, and experience answered prayers brought to fruition.   

While I may fail in my attempts, God's unfailing love catches me when I fall. And for and in this knowledge, I rest and am grateful beyond measure.

A Little R&R&R...

I wrote the following post last October. At the time, however, other post ideas were flowing so I opted to hold off on this one. Truth be known and in all transparency, fear was partly to blame for the delay or refrain. Then I read the following quote from Brene' Brown, Ph.D: "Owning our story and loving ourselves through that process is the bravest thing that we will ever do." I thought okay, we're going to do it, today is the day to post but fear once again tightened its grip on me, reminding me it was still in control. Then this morning, I received an email from my former church in Chicago launching their new devotional series called 'Reset.' In that moment I realized that, like many and despite my best intentions, I dropped the ball on being intentional thus far in 2018. (Side note: in lieu of resolutions, every January I pick a word or theme for that year and this year's word is 'intentional'...and I am all too aware of the irony here!)   

So that email, coupled with Dr. Brown's quote that was nestled safely in the back of my mind, were the gentle nudges I needed to propel me forward to action. (It's amazing what God uses to catch out attention!) This is my story; I own it and I am no longer going to let fear...of what others think, their opinion, or potential judgment of my recent leap of faith, hold me back. In the great words of Franklin D. Roosevelt, "the only thing we have to fear is fear itself." By looking fear in the face and staring it down, we take away its power.  That 'fork in the road' decision I made back in October was between God, my husband and me; and we're all three in agreement and good with it. So, without further ado...

When a loved one is diagnosed with cancer for the first time, let alone the fourth, it is a rude, crude, harsh and yet gentle reminder that life and time are precious and tomorrow is not always guaranteed.

In light of this realization, I made the scary, exhilarating, exciting, brave, and to some crazy, decision to invest in me and to follow my heart despite not looking rational on paper; to leave stress behind in exchange for passion, desire and a soul-nurturing path.  

While I greatly appreciated my two-year tenure with my former employer, I knew I made the right decision when I looked in the mirror the morning after my last day on the job. I did not recognize the person I saw...I was glowing, the bags and dark circles were gone from under my eyes. I had not seen that person for a long time; it was as if I was looking a long lost best friend in the eyes after years apart...and I liked what I was seeing!

During my run that eye-opening morning, I had such clarity and the creative juices started flowing. I listened to a playlist I made some time ago called "SHIFT" - that title was beyond appropriate, applicable and timely to say the least!  The songs were just what my soul, heart and being needed to hear. It was as if, despite running...okay, jogging, I was in slow motion. I noticed a bird in flight; he was low enough and I was so aware of the moment that I noticed his red face. This observation was immediately followed by a sighting of two butterflies. Again, thanks to my new "slow down" perspective I noticed them. Through the song changes and my run/jog, I realized I was given a special gift of a "R&R" period, per se, to be gentle to myself and embrace rest among other self-love, "TLC" words.

• Rest
• Rejuvenate
• Recoup
• Regroup
• Run (because you need to feed your body as much as your soul)
• Reading
• 'Riting (more to follow on this one)
• 'Rithmatic (because learning and feeding your mind is just important) 
• Relax
• Reinvent
• Rebirth (of dreams, passion, etc.)
• Restore
• Resurrect
• Redirect
• Release (bless, forgive and release)
• Reconnect (because in the busyness, I've unfortunately neglected friendships and                        relationships and let them take a backseat to the to-do list)
• Reminisce
• Receive (what the future has in store for me)
• Reset (priorities)
• Reveal
• Refresh
• Rediscover (that old friend, my true self who has been buried for a while)
• Relish (this gift and time)
• Rewind
• Recreate
• Restock (my sleep, energy, and reserves that have long been depleted)
• Repair
• Reset
• Rejoice
• Rebuild
• Renew
• Recalculate
• Recalibrate
• Renovate
• Reassess
• Repair
• Return
• Recharge
• Refuel
• Recover

As if there was a need for more affirmation (God knows me so well!), during my Sunday devotional time, I read the following from Experiencing God Day By Day by Henry T. Blackaby & Richard Blackaby: 

"God came to Elijah...in a still, small voice...God's servant was tired, and God brought him comfort...God removed Elijah from the activity for a time, so that he could rest and spend some time with God...when the nation next saw Elijah, he was rejuvenated and refocused on God and His assignment...He (God) will encourage you and provide exactly what you need to prepare you for what comes next."

YES!!! Yes, He does! So, whereas I may not have sand between my toes, I am enjoying and absorbing a little R&R&R...!

New Chapters...

A new year for most represents a new chapter filled with renewed hope. A blank slate or canvas, per se, to start over and leave the past behind. For many, a new year is a perfect catalyst or motivator to turn away from something, usually negative, to turn toward a more positive alternative.

Rather than turning away from something in 2018, because that already happened last October and is a topic for another post, I am continuing on my current path of obedience of bringing long-held dreams to life, first as goals and then as reality.

Time and time again leaders, books, and coaches teach that goals have to be written down to come to fruition, otherwise they are just dreams. Goals need to be in front of you as a constant reminder of what you are working for and towards.  Sometimes, on your most frustrating days, it even feels as if they are there taunting or daring you to achieve them.  

Second to having your goals front and center is accountability. Sharing your goals with others brings a sense of reality to your aspirations; while keeping them to yourself allows for plan B or an out should you miss your mark, milestone or target. If no one knows about your goals then only you know whether or not you were successful in achieving them.  

While accountability helps with motivation, opening yourself up to sharing your ambition(s) and intent can also be scary because of opinions and feedback. What if you share your goals with others and they do not agree with or support your plans, or worse yet, what if they think they are foolish, too risky or not risky enough? Do it anyway.  Whatever your new chapter looks like, pursue that goal, dream, milestone, or change. Do it afraid, do it alone, and do it without support if necessary. Be brave, write down your goals and share them; not in pursuit of affirmation but for the knowledge that you put it out there, and regardless of what anyone else thinks, you are investing in you, you believe in yourself and your goals, and you will hold yourself accountable.  You are worth the effort!

So, I am going to take heed of my own advice and write down my goals and share them. In 2018, we will start a non-profit in our furchild Bailey's memory & honor and I will write, complete and publish my book. New chapters indeed!