Bandwidth and Grace...

It has been, (cue air quotes), "awhile," (cough, February, cough), since I last posted but that does not mean I have not written. In fact, I wrote and have had five blog posts in the queue since early of April. Heck, I even wrote a post for my husband and our anniversary, which is this month (June), in late April. The writing is not the problem...the challenge is finding the "time" (cue more air quotes) to bring those ideas to fruition. Or more specifically and accurately, the bandwidth - the mental capacity - to sit down and 'make it happen'...or some days, make anything happen. The ideas flow easy. The dreams fun to form. The successful outcomes of the goals amazing to imagine. It is when the rubber hits the pavement and the time has come to 'put up or shut up,' however, that the 'going gets tough' and the brick wall seemingly appears out of nowhere resulting in arms flinging (or flailing, depending on the day) into the air in desperate and overwhelming exasperation and surrender. 

Have you ever felt so stretched to your limit? To the point of almost breaking, where something has to give or you will? I heard the following phrase, (my apologies - I cannot remember the source...perhaps Brene' Brown?!?), and it seemed to shed light on my recent mental whirlwind haze that I can only describe as walking through quicksand while riding a bike and playing an instrument during a tornado. Seriously, when I read the following eight 'simple' words, I thought I saw the skies open, sunbeams shine down from above, and heard birds chirping a melodic tune...you know, those times when a lightbulb appears above cartoon characters when they have a bright idea or something FINALLY clicks?       

"Operate from a place of abundance, not depletion."

Whoa! That phrase really resonated with me because of my recent internal struggle with bandwidth. As much as I want to deny or defy, per se, the 47 candles on my recent birthday cake, something has shifted in my mental capacity to do more and keep up with an insane, neck-breaking pace. Recently, I sometimes feel as if I broke my brain or overused its capacity. (I am not trying to say or imply I am a big brainiac or anything...instead, imagine plugging too many plugs into an outlet via extension cords...some circuits just are not made to overload.) It is as if my mind is waving the white flag of surrender and saying "Enough is enough. No more multi-tasking, over productivity, burning the candle at both ends, and pushing, going & doing." I used to be able to go, go and do. Now, just like a frozen computer or lagging cellphone, it is time for a reboot to operate at an optimal level and speed going forward.  

This is where that phrase came in and why it so intensely took to my soul. We go and go and go until we can go no more...and then we turn around and squeeze out just a little more. A dried up turnip? Not here. We put the Energizer Bunny to shame. But at what cost? What good can our exhaustive plan of attack produce? Are we our best selves? Are we truly in touch with all of our connections? Are we really building memories? Are we truly leaving things better than we found them? Are we loving others and ourselves well? Is there ever, really, truly, any realistic hope or chance of us being anywhere near as productive as our Mount Rushmore-esque 'to-do lists' indicate or suggest? This past Thursday by 2:30 pm alone, I read or heard comments from three friends who communicated being on similar overwhelming paths filled with unrealistic expectations either self-imposed or thrust upon them.  They all realized that a change in attitude was necessary or an inevitable 'crash and burn' would result, and they would be the unfortunate but avoidable casualty. 

We all questioned why ...and we all knew our current speed of light pace was neither right nor sustainable. Something had to give or we unfortunately would.

That is when grace came in. You know how when you look and look for something yet it continues to elude you...only to find it, right in front of you, once you stop darting to and fro in a frenzied search? That is how grace gently tapped me on the shoulder last Tuesday. It was as if I received a precious sneak preview of the answer before I realized I was given the test. That morning multiple devotional readings centered around grace, that free and unmerited favor bestowed through the gift of blessings. What if we offered ourselves some slack or grace? What if we embraced the moment for what it was - the present we will never get back. Tomorrow is not guaranteed so we sure as better enjoy today for all its worth.

In response to one of my above-mentioned friends, I offered that, with so much access, so many opinions, so many options, so much to do, so much 'noise' to distract us, what we really need is less...a little less stretching of our bandwidth (whether it is to prove to ourselves or others what we can do, accomplish, become, or squeeze into a mere 24 hour day)...and a little more grace with each other, and most certainly and especially, with ourselves. Don't worry, the to-do list, chores, and errands will be there tomorrow; you or those dear relationships may not.